Another week or so passed in UMBROS to begin the month of July 2026. If you don't already know, UMBROS is my D&D campaign ran with a TOTAL NONSTOP BRAUNSTEIN approach. Meaning it's real D&D and your campaign isn't. But your campaign can be if you pick up my UMBROS MODULE.
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Upon reading UMBROS you will see what a Real D&D campaign can be. Upon reading the below news posts (created by the campaign's actual players with SEEN) you will see what Total Gaming Enlightenment looks like.
I hope you enjoy reading these posts and your imagination fires with the possibilities of your own campaign. In fact, I invite anyone reading this to run their UMBROS campaign in THIS SAME GAME WORLD with the same news elements. My "This Week in UMBROS" series is really all you need to join the fun and have your adventurers exist in this same game world. Reach out to me in the comments below, or on elon's stupid app, if you're interested in having your adventurers compete with the Hel Delvers for treasure, cash and prized. And prestige!
Enjoy!
UMBROS NEWS FROM 07/01/26 TO 07/10/26
07/01/26
An Appeal to the Home Stone
Thedd Dredd knelt in quiet contemplation, mourning the loss of Prince Ronan and so many of the fallen. The Litany of the Stone ran through his mind, but the words seemed nearly hollow.
His faith had been tested on more than occasion before, and Thedd had not lost hope. Yet, he realized the situation for those on the Path of virtue and justice was growing grim. Moriva in the west was making advances, Tootch remained holed up in his tower, seemingly ambivalent to the disaster unfolding in the world. The demonic forces of Hel not only challenged them in the dungeon, but have made their presence known in the south of the Dawnlands. And even now, the Mahar marched on - driven by a force yet unseen. Who now was left that could draw victory from the jaws of defeat?
"CAIN!" Thedd cried out, rising from his meditation. Those in Tootchville could hear his voice ring out like a bell.
"I will bear your mark! I will take on this burden! Train me in your ways, teach me to walk the Path!"
A murmur that Thedd had lost his mind went through the village. Thedd cared not. His vision was clear.
07/01/26
Reed Speaks
Dateline Tootchville. The Syndicated Dungeon Delvers of Umbros (or whatever they’re calling themselves this week) have returned from their second foray in as many days. While the core of the group appears to be unchanged, our intrepid reporter noted a rather pasty figure with bright red hair accompanying the group. When pled for information, this individual gave his name as (we believe) “Reed”. Reed had much to say about his adventures, some of which we understood. When asked about the events of yesterday, he responded thusly. We apologize to our readers, but we couldn’t actually make out what he said so we’re trying to transcribe the noises.
“Och aye, ‘twas a bonny auld taime. ‘Teh Jimsoons wuir tryain’ tae extortionate oos, an’ aye gaiss tey’d ailridy kilt a fayer few was trayin’ tae goo an divver. We popped teh duir jess faine, tarrns oot tey wuir furmed oop insayde all riddy, so’s I hit ‘em wüith ant angle, stooped ‘em did in te’ir traiks laik. Ifter tat, ‘twas trivial tae sook ‘em an oil. Went up in a bonny auld bonfayer it did, Ai’m suir bridge it (Brigid?) was lauwrfin’ ‘er faery ‘ead oof, bless ‘tae lass. ‘It ‘teir lider wit’ ae faery fayer (Note: we have no idea what he’s on about here) tui. Guess oon of uir clairecs ‘ad a bit oov ai gruige ‘gainst ‘em, sae’s ‘e jiss merc’d ‘em on tae spoot. Guid coinage too.”
We have absolutely no idea what happened, but the group seemed pretty happy.
Editors Note: I don't know what he's talking about either.
7/1/2026
Hibobu Speaks in Tootchville
In the first breath of dawn, when the Homestone still dreamed beneath its veil of ash-blue light,
Hibobu and Hildaga walked the road to the market-square of Tootchville.
They came as traders come in old tales,
with purpose in their stride and the weight of distant lands upon their cloaks.
They mounted the steps of the central fountain,
the stone worn smooth by generations,
and there Hibobu stood, waiting as the people gathered like reeds around a riverbank.
When the murmuring quieted, he lifted his voice,
a voice seasoned by caravans, storms, and long memory:
“People of Tootchville, hear and know.
We are come from Firsthaven, bearing trade, purchase, and sale.
Even now my merchants set their tables beyond your gate.
Who among you lacks what we carry?
The seamstress her needles and bolts,
the farmer his implements,
the soldier his arms,
the house-frau her flour and rye grain.
We await you with honest trade and friendly barter.
Those with private business may seek me in my tent.
And if any know the path of a guild-caravan that passed here of late,
a reward awaits true words.
Act swiftly, friends, for our stay is short.”
Thus his speech settled upon the square like morning dew,
and the people murmured,
for Hibobu spoke with the certainty of one favored by the road-gods.
07/01/26
PRINCE RONAN PRESUMED DEAD, CAPTAIN DRU ASSUMES POWER IN FIRSTHAVEN
"Breaking news out of Firsthaven today! Dru, formerly Captain of the Prince Ronan's elite bodyguard, has publicly proclaimed that Prince Ronan is quote, 'probably dead,' end quote, and that the time has come for the tribe to select a new chief. We go now to Kadiz Kurik, our reporter on the ground."
"That's right, Grash. According to ancient Pellucdarian tradition, when there is no clear heir to the chiefdom, any member of the tribe who wishes may step forward and proclaim himself chief, and must accept all challengers. Dru was the first to throw his hat in the ring. We've had no less than eight electrifying matches today and Dru's showing no signs of slowing down! This last fight will determine the new - - oh, oh! - Dru's got him in a figure four! He's tapping, the challenger is tapping! Dru is the new Chief of Firsthaven! You heard it here on UNN first, folks, Dru is the new head honcho in the Dawnlands!!"
Editor's Note: This action and situation was happened thanks to rumors of Ronan's demise from last week's news. And the Braunstein Session I ran with Ferigno vs Ronan and assorted good guys in the previous week. Everyone thinks Ronan is dead so the town needs a successor, yes? What better way for a civilized primeval city At the Earth's Core to decide on succession than through combat!
07/02/2026
Zartan Visits the Money-Lenders
Zartan begrudgingly made his way to the money-lenders. His disappointing haul from his Hel Delve would not pay for his extended stay at Tootchville for very long. If he wasn’t careful, he’d be back doing clerical work, or worse. He had a mind for magic, and nothing short of death would keep him from his pursuit of it. His determination forced him out of bed, despite the persistent cramping he felt in his abdomen.
As his business concluded with the lenders, the cramping reached a nauseating peak. The money lender handed him a bag of freshly minted Hibobu shinies, to which Zartan immediately opened the bag and profusely vomited in it. The two shared stunned glances at each other for a moment.
“Can I have a different bag?”
“... No.”
07/02/26
Ghouls in the Civilized Lands
Continued rumors of the dead marching across the land. It is unknown what their purpose is, but ghouls have been, on occasion, spotted in the civilized lands of Umbros.
7/3/2026
The Missing Sword
Arguments break out as some unseen force crashes through several stalls set up for the Arcane Fair, sending oddities such as gold femurs, ferrets of only slightly unusual size, and Kabbages™ flying across the street! The clearly overwhelmed "project manager" Keblar attempted to calm the chaos as apprentices swarmed him.
Soon after, a demanding adventurer pushed through the red-faced ranters and asked "Dude, where's my sword?!" Some time later, the selfsame adventurer was seen lifting his new blade high into the air and yelling "One Cee Two One One Six!" None understood the odd shout, but rumor says Tootch's Golem Butler fainted on the spot! The adventurer, for his part, left the scene with sword sheathed.
7/3/2026
The Sagoths Depart Umbral Keep
The gates of the Umbral Keep opened, and the waters of the Umbral Swamp rippled with the heavy steps of Grundgru and his men, flanked on both sides by the massive forms of their dinosaurs, the heavy chains rattling between them, their handlers, and the cattle appropriated from the village.
“Come on, you dogs! The masters say we move, so we move!” Grundgru calls out. Behind him, several slaves carry a covered palanquin, from which gleam two pairs of glowing red eyes.
The procession disappeared into the darkness of the swamp, heading south.
7/4/26
The Arcane Fair Begins
Exciting, wondrous, and only somewhat deadly: The Arcane Fair is underway! Apprentice mages and researchers will be giving lectures and showing off their dioramas to interested parties, and to gain favor in the Purple Tower. Rumours are that even the magnanimous Tootch will be making appearances!*
*Some restrictions may apply
7/4/26: Night
Night at the Arcane Fair
Celebration, assault, or prank? Colourful explosions decorate the skies around Tootchtown! Smoke and Croaking mix with the laughter of pranksters, invisible or otherwise, are heard as robes are flipped, tables are tossed, and other shenanigans spread throughout the masses.
Tootch was not available (or visible) for comment, but Keblar was heard shouting: "It is all part of the show! Please do not be alarmed (you absolute fools)!"
07/06/26
Hibobu's Crier once again strides through the streets of Tootchville:
"HEY YA, HEY YA, HEY YA!
MASTER HIBOBU IS IN NEED OF ADVENTURERS.
STOUT MEN WHO CAN TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES AND OTHERS
A CHOICE REWARD AWAITS THE TEAM WHICH SUCCEEDS.
COME TO THE TENT OF HIBOBU ANY WILLING HEARTIES.
THE WEAK AND STUPID NEED NOT APPLY. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
HEY YA, HEY YA, HEY YA!"
07/06/26
Chaz Appears!
Beside each mirror which had previously been used to send a Twilight Whisper message, lies a small bouquet of flowers, and tiny note written in sloppy elf-script. Beware the flowers thorns, though. It appears that Chaz (now operated by [PLAYER DISCORD NAME]) has finished his midsummer revelry and decided to take a more active role in this Hel-ish land.
Editor's Note: I have invited new players to the campaign to run Faction Leaders. Chaz was being played for a long time with me NPCing him. But I'm happy to say I will no longer need to do that. Somehow this player may actually be more Chaz than me... and I invented the character back in Trollopulous! That's saying something...
07/06/26
The Green Wyrm Returns to Firsthaven!
Chaos and consternation in Firsthaven today as the Green Dragon Ferigno, at the head of yet another horde of his abominable Vinelings, arrived at Firsthaven and laid siege to the town yet again. Though his first attack was narrowly repulsed, all of the heroes who stopped him are dead. The town asks: who can save us now?
Editor's Note: This news report has become a DOCKETED wargame with the Assaulting Force vs The Defending Force. The Good guys are hopeful that the new ruler of Firsthaven, Dru, is up to the task to keeping Ferigno (or whatever is assaulting the city) from finishing off civilization completely. I docketed this wargame by placing the summary of the scenario, the two sides, and special considerations in one place. Then, it was offered to my campaign (or anyone who wants to run it) with a TWO Players and ONE Referee. I'm tired of solo wargaming. It sucks. We all know it sucks. As I said in my influential post "The 'Winning Secrets' to Having a D&D Campaign with Wargaming" Docketing, GOSS, and SEEN have made Wargaming in D&D feasible again. You can thank me now or back the upcoming "Winning Secrets 2" when it drops to thank me later. Because I expound at length on these findings and what it means for TTRPGs. (Spoiler: it solves everything.) I hope to have the results of this Docket to you and this news feed next week. Stay tuned!
07/06/26
The Lost Caravan Reward
Rumor has it that Hibobu will pay 4,000 GP to those who return the "Lost Caravan" to Tootchville.
Editor's Note: This turned into the Adventure Session this week which was played on 07/07/26 as we tried to collect the big reward from the Faction Leader players running Tootch. You can read the session report from the DM here. I was Azkin the elf in that session and I can tell you we did NOT collect the 4,000 GP. We only managed to get 2 of our members killed. Enjoy!
7/6/26
A Shadow in the Umbral Swamps
A shadow has been seen lurking in the Umbral Swamps, lurking amongst the mosquitoes and mongrelmen.
07/06/26
Sagoths in Goldhold
A contingent of Sagoths marched straight through to Goldhold, picking over the remnants of the once-great Dwarven kingdom. It is reported that they were muttering about discovering "hot vats for make new shorties" and that "Queen Srrith will be pleased."
07/07/26
Ranak Hires Slingers
Ranak the fighter hires five slingers to serve as men-at-arms. The group was seen practicing their marksmanship while drilled by Ranak just outside the town's gate, whipping small stones at lighting speed at targets with little skulls painted on them.
07/07/26
TOOTCH DODGING PAYMENT TO HIRELINGS: WIZARD NOT A MAN OF HIS WORD?
Tootch recently put out a call for hirelings, promising extravagant rewards for an unknown mission. Now that the bill has come due, the purple mage has always been “in a meeting,” “conducting an important experiment,” or “in the middle of lessons.”
This shifty behavior has led some to decry Tootch as “Tootch the Purple Miser,” “the Stingy Sorcerer,” and other very funny, very creative epithets.
07/07/26
The Fairwatch Scouts
The Fairwatch, led by Tupo the fearsome Elven Figher, began scouting for monsters in a preliminary subduing action at Hex 13.13, returning with basic information about most monster numbers and some likely positions. It seems that Chaz is interested in expanding his little tree fort...
07/07/26
The Hel Delvers Return Short
Dateline Tootchville: the Hel Delvers returned from an expedition a few members short. When asked what occurred, their druid had this to say (we apologize in advance):
"We wint oof tae fin some jit kervan got loes. Took laik oon stip ootsaid an' ran intae a bliddy tie Ronner sers ricks. Ay popped tae'nvisblity 'n we all scarpered. Oon of as got itten, puir fella. Kipt lookin', foond a waggin. Ranak'n'crui wint tae lewk, lackless sods t'ae wuir. Got cau 'n quicksand 'n itten by ay bliddy wiellllwui. wiellllwui zapped me bae' goo' tui. Lots'o dith'n nae tae shew fuir et."
7/7/2026
TOOTCH & CHAZ SECRET WAR SUMMIT?
MYSTERIOUS MERCHANT LEAVES WIZARD'S TOWER SMILING! DRAGON SHOWDOWN IMMINENT?
TOOTCHVILLE, July 7 — What is the reclusive Prince Mage plotting behind the locked doors of Tootch Tower?
Eyewitnesses watched wealthy merchant Hibobu enter the tower earlier today, remaining inside for an unusually long private audience with the enigmatic wizard. What transpired during that meeting remains a closely guarded secret, but moments after leaving the tower, Hibobu was overheard speaking to his young assistant.
According to one witness, the merchant declared:
"Tootch has contacted Chaz and they will meet at Firsthaven." or words to that affect.
If true, this astonishing revelation could mean that two of the most powerful figures in the known world are preparing to confront the dreaded Dragon Ferigno!
Could a legendary alliance be forming? Is an epic battle only days away?
The Tootchville Enquirer cannot verify the witness's account. We report what our sources tell us—and let our readers decide.
One fact, however, is beyond dispute.
Master Hibobu emerged from the tower wearing a broad smile rarely seen on the famously cautious merchant. His expression suggested a man whose worries had suddenly become someone else's problem.
Coincidence?
Our readers may judge for themselves.
7/8/2026
Hibobu's Bazaar Closes
At mid-day today Hibobu's bazaar was declared closed. Tents and tables were struck and loaded into the enormous wagons. Some final sales were closed but it was obvious that the merchants were distracted. Apparently they will be marching out tomorrow, 9th. A notice is posted that any having further business can contact Hildaga, who is remaining behind.
7/9/2026
Hibobu's Caravan Departs
As the first rays of the Homestone touched Tootchville, the merchant caravan stirred to life. Cooking fires were smothered beneath damp earth, and the last bundles found their places amid shouted orders and practiced haste. For a few moments the camp was a maze of dust, beasts, and men crossing one another in controlled confusion.
Then, almost impossibly, the chaos dissolved.
The great thags lumbered into single file, harnesses creaking as each beast settled into line. Drivers checked straps one final time, guards climbed to their howdahs, and the long column stretched southward like a living serpent.
Hibobu rode to the fore and surveyed his caravan with the satisfied eye of a man who had spent a lifetime turning disorder into profit. Raising a single hand, he gave the signal.
The tiger scouts bounded ahead without hesitation, vanishing into the morning mist. Behind them, with the groan of leather and timber and the slow thunder of padded feet, the caravan rolled forward into the southern forest.
Editor's Note: Remember last week when I solved the problem of Wargame Army Marching Recon? Yeah. This is some of the fruit from that solution. Essentially I force marching armies to make a SEEN check when they muster and leave a location. This gives hints to the other Wargame players (Faction Leaders, leveled PCs etc) of what armies are mustering and marching where. If it's "Open" then the marching army's player must hint at their numbers and where they're headed to. If it's "hidden action" they can hide the destination. Etc. Again. This solves the Wargaming Problem of DMs being frazzled trying to keep up with how thick the Fog of War is for various other wargame campaign players. It takes me bascially no time because the wargame army player makes the SEEN roll and the SEEN post. I just cut and paste. I've heard that some of the Legacy BROSR are whispering in dark corners that my use of SEEN here has solved no wargaming problems (I have Braunstein style spies everywhere) but I'd counter with pointing out that only the most cavernskull wargamer campaigners or those who DONT ACTUALLY PLAY fail to see see what MEGA PROBLEM this solves. Again, you're welcome.
7/10/26
Tootch's Apprentice Returns
An apprentice of Tootch was seen leaving the barn many of the Hel Delvers occupy between adventures at a brisk pace. The young man’s robes were caked in mud and he was carrying four large clinking sacks. He was last seen making a beeline to his quarters trying (poorly) to look as inconspicuous as possible.
07/10/26
Hippogriff-Riding Elves
Upon returning to Tootchville from a recent adventure, some slingers which the Hel Delver party took out into the jungle mentioned having seen a few dozen hippogriff riding elves in skies above the purple jungle, sporting the colors of Chaz and the Twilight Pines.
"They was most certainly looking for the lost merchant caravan like us! They was watching us! Keeping tabs on where the wagon was!" some onlookers heard the slingers say. When the adventurers and onlookers asked why the slingers didn't mention this to their adventurer leaders during their travels the slingers responded "you didn't ask".
Conclusion
May Jesus Christ, the Son of God, protect and keep you. May His face shine upon you. Amen.
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