Introduction, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Trust My Co-DMs
So I took a break from UMBROS. About a month, give or take. This was mostly IRL issues. At first. Then I came back from IRL and found a campaign I barely recognized!
The adventuring party ran away from my TENTPOLE MEGADUNGEON to let one of their number hand hold them through a monty haul training wheels affair, instead. How am I supposed to create my UMBROS version of Dwimmermount of the players refuse to adventure where I tell them to? What a disaster. Is this how James Maliszewski felt when his wife, his one friend, and his one friend's wife became bored with finding 10 rates and 2,000 copper pieces in Dwimmermount? Be thankful, adventurers!
Well they weren't. They claimed that my megadungeon was "tOo dEaDLy" and "nOt eNoUgH tReAsUrE". Well I adventured with them about 6 times over the summer and we mostly cashed out just fine, thanks to me. Whenever we didn't it was usually due to some bonehead error such as:
-no planning
-goofy battlefield tactics
-bad strategy based on bad assumptions
-whining to the point of distraction
So to their claim that the HELROCK MEGADUNGEON(TM) was not worth adventuring in for them I can say only this: skill issue.
But I am loving Booker so I will not ban them from enjoying their monty haul dungeon. I will simply shame them. And I also took control of Tootch, the faction leader who decided that all wondrous magic items found in UMBROS from adventuring are his, by right. I'm sure the PCs will love that. I'll pay fair prices! (2,000 copper pieces)
So enough of that. Between this development and Jeffro Johnson's posts about dungeon design all summer, I'm tired of discussing dungeoneering issues. What happened "This Month in UMBROS" as far as Braunstein play.
Well. I actually have no idea. I read through these SEEN posts and it's alot. Half of it is probably false flags or guys hiding more than they should when the SEEN roll says "Open".
Even so I discovered something encouraging: UMBROS had apparently gotten along fine without me. Hibobu became some manner of merchant prince, Firsthaven starved, armies marched hither and yon, the Twilight Pines burned, Cain got bitten by a vampire, Chaz suffered indignities, dwarves returned from the dead civilization of Goldhold, and several religions seem to have appeared while nobody was watching.
Is this how Jeffro felt when he came back to Trollopulous after a time and barely recognized his millieu? I'd ask him but he becomes quite cross when it's discussed. "They nuked my city, BDubs! They just didn't respect the world I gave them!"
Is this proof that UMBROS has become one of the legendary campaigns? I can disappear for a month and return to discover that the players have burned down several provinces, invented new religions, and generally behaved as though the place belonged to them. Horrifying, certainly, but also rather gratifying.
Early BROSR preached "TOTAL PLAY AUTONOMY" because early BROSR players were having so much fun creating the campaign alongside the DM that early BROSR DMs were kind of swept up in the undertow. Jeffro came to reject the idea. Since, as I mentioned, the Players all destroyed his Appendix N campaign conceptions to make the world about slopfilm, tv shows, and gags on current events ("lol CHAZ get it? CHAZ heh heh")
So how do I feel about TOTAL PLAYER AUTONOMY in the year of our Lord 2026? Uncertain. Most of these SEEN posts depict a pretty interesting game world. One of the DMs is worried the milleau of UMBROS is being lost. Folks barely mention dinosaurs anymore (unless they're being chased by them during travel) and no one uses the old trade system or has their PCs act like cavemen (outside of Ooka Booka upon whom I have it on good authority Hibobu dislikes very much indeed!).
But I'm not sure I care. Frankly, I'll need some time playing as Tootch to see how the campaign feels now. Between Dunder Moose's early DUNGEON OF DEATH, Scuti Mike and Gelantionous Rube's stop/start involvement in the early campaign to mill for YouTube content, and the main DM since Moose left entertaining players' whining much more than I ever would; my UMBROS campaign seemed to be waning in interest.
One way to get interest back in a campaign is to have easy scores and more player autonomy. So for now, it's fine.
Maybe the actual test of TOTAL PLAYER AUTONOMY is seeing if the players build anything worth coming back to. I left them dinosaurs, cavemen, faction wars, weird trade rules, a megadungeon and the Earth's Core. I returned to find merchant princes, new gods, burning forests, marauding armies, mysterious murders, singing skulls, and some sort of October Halloween event coming up. I'm not certain I like it all that much but even on first blush I'd say it's better than when Jeffro stopped DMing Trollopulous and all the PCs were suddenly Lawful Good thralls to Mandalf who paid them 10k gp for the perilous quest of grabbing him a cup of coffee from across the street.
Besides, I am back now.
Tootch is mine. The Booker has resumed his seat, and the players have helpfully spent the last month arranging a great many pieces upon the board for me to abuse. I may not be the clockwork god that morons like RPGPundit say a DM must needs be to run a good CONVENTIONAL D&D campaign, I'm much better. I'll put my stamp on this new version of UMBROS in the best way I know how: trolling.
Anyway, here is what happened while I was gone.
THIS MONTH IN UMBROS SEPTEMBER 2026
8/17/26
Hibobu Buys the Town's Food
TOOTCHVILLE — Merchants across the town were left scratching their heads yesterday as agents of the Guild Merchant Hibobu appeared to abandon several long-standing rules of commerce.
According to those present, the instructions given to Hibobu's buyers were remarkably simple:
“Fill the wagons with food.”
No preference for quality was reported.
No concern for variety was evident.
And, most unusually, no apparent interest in what the goods might fetch elsewhere.
The buyers first purchased virtually all of the available grain in Tootchville. When the grain bins were exhausted, they turned their attention to salted muskox — a product that many local diners describe as marginally eatable, and others describe with considerably less charity.
More muskox was ordered.
And more.
By late afternoon, the last barrels and bags were being forced into the wagons, with sideboards latched only after considerable effort. Witnesses report that the wagons now sit heavily loaded with provisions.
The buyers then finished paying their suppliers, withdrew to their tents, and apparently ceased all commercial activity.
One curious merchant, perhaps braver than wise, approached them and asked the obvious question:
“Now what?”
The answer was reportedly unanimous.
“We rest. We drink. We wait for the Boss.”
The Tootchville Times will continue to investigate this extraordinary departure from ordinary mercantile practice.
At present, we can report only one thing with certainty:
Hibobu's wagons are full.
What he intends to do with them remains, for the moment, a mystery.
8/18/26
Hibobu Visits the Purple Tower
Today around Mid-Meal the trader Hibobu entered The Purple Tower of Tootch un-impeded. Bystanders were surprised that Tootch's ever-present Golems made no effort to halt him. In fact, one even held the door. About an hour later Hibobu departed and returned to his trading camp. Hibobu could not be reached for comment as he walked with his tiger guards who shooed lookie-loos and reporters out of his path.
Private. FYI: I'm attacking every other faction as soon as possible. None of them are safe.
The Umbral Bay Holds
The Umbral Bay has, after a costly battle, warded off invaders. This was the culmination of a brutal siege, but the slave bands roam once more.
8/19/26
The Tribes Gather
Something is afoot in the Umbral Swamps. The word has gone out far and wide that a mighty chieftain has called a meeting of the many tribes. Emissaries, warriors and hunters flock to an unknown outpost deep in the marshes. The topic of discussion at this meeting remains unknown.
8/20/26
Tootch's Marvelous Creation
The results of Tootch's long sequestration have finally been revealed. A shard of the Home Stone itself, imbued with spells of travel. What its exact capabilities are, no one knows, as nothing of the sort has even been attempted before. And while speculation on the intended recipient has already begun to simmer in the taverns and cafes of Tootchville, one emissary in particular has made their way to the tower, perhaps to collect this marvelous item.
Keldir Beats the Drum
Keldir has been seen making the rounds of Tootchville's taverns, drinking, talking, and buttonholing any man willing to lend him an ear. The Skald speaks openly of Firsthaven's need for stout fellows and is helping Hibobu recruit men for the work ahead.
Those who sign on are promised the pay already pledged by Prince Dru. Keldir, for his part, seems determined to make certain no able bodied reaver, sellsword, or PC who complains about no access to the Faction Game can later claim he never heard the offer.
Nearly Unspeakable Horrors!
A Cleric in tootchville rants about a black stone, crawling with gibbering mechanical creatures. Too terrible see again. Standing at a crossroads he warns of what the creatures told him."Moriva marches! The Anti-Homestone's power waxes!"
8/21/26
Bats in the Skies!
Travelers lost in the regions west of Firsthaven reported an astonishing sight two nights ago: a flock of seven large bats . While their destination is unknown, their formation and bearing all but confirms that these were no mere mindless beasts...
Battle Beneath the Helrock
Those brave enough to try and witness the terrifying fight of psionic dinosaurs and a dragon clashing would first off be disappointed to find everything in darkness under the shadow of the Helrock. Sounds were heard; screeching, roaring, gasps for air. Ferigno was later seen flying out of the darkness several miles away, apparently unharmed. The Mahar have not been heard of since, though no one has been brave enough to go check on them.
8/22/26
Visitors of All Kinds
Tootchville gate guards noted a disheveled man entering Hibobu's camp today. Talked to some tiger-riders and the woman Hidalga before being allowed into the Guild Master's tent briefly. He came with nothing and left with nothing immediately re-entering the town.
8/23/26
A New Faith Blossoms in Tootchville
The gallant Traigon was seen going about Tootchville in search of laborers for a project at the newly acquired and as of yet unrepaired HelDelver guild house. His keen eyes seemed to scan the area as he went about, as if searching for something as he went about his quest. Yet his friendliness was contagious, and everywhere he went he offered an invitation to come to a musical sacrament he was going to offer to his goddess, the late dragon Coralynth (or, as he put it, his Martyred Lady). While most shrugged off his invitation, continuing their droll daily toils, a few took him up on the offer. That morning, the sounds of music and singing wafted enchantingly through the humid jungle air. A little while later, most who had attended the ceremony returned with leis, a spark of inspiration in their twitted eyes, and a new devotion to the sacred music of a dragon who they no longer see as dead, but as living, in some small way, inside of each of them. The music, now performed solely by the lone apostle of this new faith, carried on until well into the afternoon, and all were saddened to hear it end.
Hibobu moves out
Early this morning and to no one's surprise Hibobu's camp stirred to action and rolled out to the south. Somewhat surprising was the presence of a small band of adventurers who tagged along. It is assumed that the caravan marches to Firsthaven heavily laden with relief for the citizens there.
Ooka Booka's Oath
"Ooka Booka now blood brother. Watch Chuddie. Oath to protect. You help Chuddie. Ooka Booka protec Wizard Town"
Ooka Booka is then seen sharing some quiet words with a writhing, yelping leashed baby eyeless, gives it a hug, and turns towards Hibobu's camp.
8/24/26
Purple Hill Ponderings
The Purple Hills were a bit less purple than was previously described as Flir Nightseer ventured forth from Tootch's Tower with a new group of adventurers called the Hel Delvers. The mission? Scouting around some land for the druid. Very boring, but there was the chance to use some sort of technological terror arrow that was promised to be devastating in its violent capabilities. Needless to say, that chance never came.
Instead, Flir returned a number of days later with a pie. An incredibly delicious pie, and one that was clearly inspired by Chaz's recipe. Between avoiding Will-o'-the-wisps, an ominous obelisk surrounded by whirling metal beings, and young human women who should definitely NOT be in the middle of the jungle having a picnic, he considered this to be better than a terrible death. Perhaps there will be some more lucrative encounters in the weeks ahead?
Roundtable Rumours!
"Cor blimey, Alf! You look like you've just seen a ghost. What's standard?"
"Nah, mate. Worse. I've just seen Cain. 'E's movin'."
"Cain? The one who cracks mountains for fun? Who's 'ee fightin' now?"
"Ferigno, mate. 'Ee's marchin' straight into the dragon's lair."
"Leave it out! Attackin' Ferigno?! That oversized lizard 'asses whole kingdoms when 'ee's got heartburn. Cain's off 'is rocker."
"Too right. But listen, I doubled back past Goldhold to dodge the 'eem, right? You won't Adam and Eve what I saw."
"What, that old abandoned dwarven fortress? Nuffink there but dust and old bones, mate."
"Dust? Don't make me laugh. I saw Ooka Booka an a couple of blokes—proper scrawny types, right—dragin' these 'eavy-looking handcarts right out the front gates. Carts piled high wiv old chests, absolutely sparklin'."
"Pullin' dwarven gold? Pull me anuver one! Goldhold is supposed to be blocked."
"That's what they want you to think, innit! But think about it—everyone cleared out. I even peeked through the broken side door. The main vault is just... open. Mountains of shiny stuff left behind because the heavy lifting was too much bother for a small crew."
"Blimey... so while all the drama at First'aven was occupyin' everyone's attention, Goldhold is just... sittin' there?"
"Exactly. It's a proper ghost town. If a bloke wanted to slip in quiet-like while everyone's lookin' elsewhere, 'ee'd probably walk out wiv a thousand lifetimes of loot wivout anyone even noticin'."
8/25/26
A Meeting at the Docks
It is always a wondrous thing, seeing the scales and fins seemingly melt away from a merman's legs as he comes ashore. It is another wonder to see them enter into a secluded building with a pair of hooded strangers bearing strange gifts. It was plain that they desired privacy for whatever meeting was arranged, but the gawking fisherman could not help but notice the fine rolls of parchment tucked under one of the mermen’s arms, nor the gleaming trident in another’s, or the peculiar case in the third’s. Whatever agreement the men from the land and the men from the sea came to, the fisherman could not fathom a guess, but the hooded men left with their gifts, and the mermen returned, empty handed, to the sea.
The Found and the Damned
The indomitable and apparently physics-bending Bayou Kirashi slid into Tootchville today and as always brought the latest juicy gossip from beyond the Home Stone’s light. “Naw, ya’ll know that ole’ Bayou always tells it like it is... er how I sees it, at least. I was experimentin’ with some funky shrooms I found growin’ on the bottom of my still and got it in the ole’ noggin to see if the Mahar were interested in a bitta good cheer. So I head over there and what do I see, but a pale friend a’ yours” Bayou gestured at a passing Hel Delver who tried to pretend not to notice, “standin’ out front a’ the gate. What was his name now..?” Bayou snapped his fingers as it came to him, “Kudor! That’s who it was! That little busky twerp who done wrote a speech up after clearin’ some dungeon temple a few weeks back. Not sure what a Home Stone priest was doin’ reppin’ the Umbral Tribes Lord, but go figger. Anyhow, my curiosity got the betta me and I leaned in real close and made out a conversation on the wall just above. Apparently big bad Vandoro freaked the first time the Mahar no-showed for a raid: 'e thought they back-doored 'im, and sicc’d ole' Ferigno on ‘em. But they sounded to have smoothed things over. The Queen promised a big honkin’ posse of daccies, raptors and dwelvers for some big bugaboo they’re a plannin, in exchange for a whole loada bodies. If they all show it’s gonna be somethin’ to remember, that’s fer sure.”
Leaving the iceball
“Dorhoffer,” Guy 'Sarj' Kirashi began. “Of all the spear runners Hel coulda froze, I don’ got no clue why she didn’t take you, you ferkin’ disgrace! Ah’d feel sorry fer yer poor wife, what with you makin’ such a shitty tent as that. ‘Cept ah’m sure as long as you’ve been gone and as shitty as ya ar, shes a already found plenty a strappin boys to make a new tent fer her.”
Guy sighed. He was having a hard time finding creative insults today because he was really in too good a mood to be his normal, abusive self. After all, the tent was only a topic of discussion because they were finally leaving this frozen shithole. To where, he didn’t know. And frankly, he didn’t care. Not with fifty strange coins in his pocket, some of which Vandoro certainly wouldn’t miss...
Bonk, Donk, or Dronk?
Bonk and his brother Donk ran around Firsthaven this morning, shouting some quite outrageous news.
"Bonk see big green dragon fly over Tootchville! Go north!"
"Then Donk see dragon fly down under trees! Cain make big dragon scared!"
Later, another caveman named Klonk entered the city with worse news.
"Klonk minded Klonk's own business, then see Ferigno land in jungle. Ferigno send Sagoths to Firsthaven to kill innocent cavemen, then Ferigno turn into caveman and walk to city. Big Danger!"
Despite how absurd it sounds, several citizens have seen a stranger in the city dressed in green with a greedy look in his eyes. Cavecitizens are warned to be cautious and keep an eye on your shiny things, just in case.
8/26/26
The Great Merchant Returns!
Hibobu's caravan entered Firsthaven at last, a long train of wagons and beasts laden with foodstuffs.
With it came Captain Keldir and his men, Ooka Booka astride a saber-toothed tiger, the paladin Zar Kaz, and Ohm Eld, a cleric. At the head of the procession rode Hibobu upon a war thag, with the lovely Hidalga beside him—a welcome sight to those who had not seen her in Firsthaven for many weeks.
The caravan made directly for the Guild House. There was little ceremony. The beasts were tired, the wagons heavy, and there was work to be done.
But moments after their arrival, Hibobu came forth to speak to the people gathered nearby.
"Friends, my men and beasts have traveled long, but we have returned with victuals. Nothing fancy, mind you, but there is a lot of it, and it will be ready for sale at a very low price to all who can afford it.
Your leader, Dru, has promised to purchase what remains and will see to its dispersal.
I pledge that if more is needed, I will do what I can, though I fear Tootch has no more surplus for us to buy.
Work hard and lean on one another. We'll get through this lean time together."
Unknown Terrors in the Dawnlands
overheard in a Firsthaven tavern
“Aye. The troops came back from their patrol and didn’t stop to chat at the ale stall like normal. Rode right back to the guardhouse and made a report. Looked a bit concerned, but not out of their wits, like when they saw those landsharks. Asked one of ‘em later what the matter was, but he wouldn’t say.”
Shining Charity
Shortly after the caravan's arrival the word is passed that anyone needing food should line up in the street before the Guild House. Hibobu's shiny guard struggles to keep the crowd organized and quelling fights. As each person passes by the door they are given a slice of salted muskox and a portion of grain.
Most don't have containers so the meat goes into mouths and most of the grain into pockets or bundles formed with rags.
The Umbral Army Marches Out
Umbral plains trappers announced that the Umbral Army has left Hel's Reach laden with plunder from Moriva's sanctuary, headed east. Apparently the haul from the late lich's lair was good enough that parts of it had to be distributed to individual spear runners to put in their packs.
They report that Grundgru and the lead spear runners had to break up several brawls between men accusing one another of trying to make off with their lord's property. Though Vandoro and several of his creatures are present with the force, he seemed content to remain aloof of the concerns of mere mortals.
Evangelist to the Dead
“Hel’s will shall be done!” bellowed the preacher. “The sky will fall! The dead will rise, and then all will once again be as it should be! All will rest. All will be at peace! All will be quiet!”
Every man, woman and child in the congregation went wild.
It was a shame that he was preaching only to a field of dry bones.
8/27/26
Stirring
Thunder echoed through the Dawnspires as deep in the mountains a great machine began to stir. A living machine. A machine made for war. In a large camp at the base of a secluded valley, the final preparations were made. Provisions were stashed, slaves chained and blades sharpened. Catapults were packed and ladders disassembled. At the heart of the organized chaos stood the mighty chieftain Broghash, easily a head taller than the other orcs gathered around him. Finally, when all was assembled, the ceremony began. The low, steady beat of drums echoed through the mountains, given meter by the staccato of blades clashing on shields. The orcs of Umbros had been quiet for many months, chastened by the dwarves. But now the dwarves were gone. Could this be their moment? The beats accelerated until finally all the assembled orcs gave a single shout of exhilaration.
“Tonight we march! Tomorrow, we rule!”
A Famous Mugger
"Waddya mean famous? Wouldn’t that, you know, defeat the whole purpose of the art?"
"Oi! You finkin I dunno me own game? That’s the right prestige of the fing! If you get famous for bein’ a mugger, well, then folk 'll gladly 'and over their wallets. Sheer genius!"
"Sounds like a good way to get the guards or the paladins called down on you if you ask me."
"What part of celebrity are you not gettin' through that heada yours? When I'm done, all they're gonna want is me autograph."
"Hence the advertisements?"
"Gotta get word out. There was a day once, before all these nasty books came to town, when kids went outside and 'ad a good time muggin'. Got the blood up. Now I swear all they ever do is read. Damned Tootch. Only way they'll ever see anything is if its in print or what have you."
"You are indeed deranged, my friend. Truly you are."
"Least I bathe. Gotta keep apiece for all me fans."
8/28/26
Shadowmen, Spirits, or Army?
Rumors of a fairly large mixed force of archers, footmen, and cavalry seen moving north towards the heart of the Umbral Tribes have recently been sprouting up. Given the dangerous wildlife in the area, no one has actually seen them myself, but there's enough people reporting they heard it from a friend that there's likely some kind of force moving toward Hooja's old stomping grounds.
Awakening
The drums continued as the sun set, and the cacophony culminated with the bellowing of a dozen massive horns, each carved from the tusk of a mighty thag. At that came another shout from the whole assemblage as Broghash and row upon row of his warriors marched out, headed west. By his side stood a cloaked figure. In contrast to the mottled, twisted countenance of the orcs, his features were almost unearthly graceful. And yet, to look into his eyes was to know dread. This was Severero the Unbound, leading the Orcs of the Dawnspires and the Sly Band west.
Missing Rations, Fish, and Pets
Despite efforts from Hibobu and the mermen to bring food to Firsthaven following the predations of Moriva, the city is still struggling to feed its citizens. Stores stocked with Hibobu's rations are reporting quickly dwindling supply that fails to match records, and the mermen's fisheries are yielding less than expected though the fishermen swear they have upheld their promise not to overfish. Worse yet, citizens are reporting that household pets are starting to disappear. Could it be that the citizens are resorting to alternate food sources?
Extree! Extree!
Hibobu was seen hurrying to the palace in Firsthaven today with a copy of the recent Firsthaven Times tucked under his arm. He seemed worried and talked to no one as he entered.
8/29/26
The Dawnlands Curse Continues
Several diseased hunters staggered into Firsthaven screaming about horrific sights, their eyes scarred with ritual markings and ivory piercings forced through their flesh.
After the Home Stone set, the great white stone in the Dawnlands glowed red and shimmered. The malaise continues...
Parasite and Disease Rolls continue to proffer a +4% penalty
Hel Rays From the Depths of Firsthaven!
The town crier of First Haven proclaims the following in the public square:
"Good people of First Haven! Keeper Zar-Kaz, Paladin of the Home Stone reports of large stingrays bearing the mark of Hel lurking in flooded caverns beneath the city! While nine of the abominations fell to blade and spear, the beasts slayed many men at arms and should be considered extremely dangerous. Citizens are warned to avoid the sewers and any natural caves with access to the sea. Please report any sightings of these rays to local law enforcement.
This month's public bread is provided by the Firsthaven Guild of Millers. True Pellucidarian bread for true Pellucidarians!"
8/30/26
Hippogriffs Head Home
The famed Windlance, those Hippogriff-riding Elfin cavalry who follow Chaz into battle, have been sighted making all haste south from the Umbral Swamps to the fiery remains of their Pine-wood forest. Surely revenge, and the re-ordering of Alfheim are on Chaz's crafty mind.
"Sounds like old news, man."
"Yeah well, Elfland time is weird and my wife's a bit clingy."
8/31/26
Haze Covers Tootchville!
The citizens of Tootchville awoke this morning to find that a strange, foggy haze had settled over the village, accompanied by that odd campfire smell that somehow accompanies forest fires. After a hasty and panicked check by the fire watchers determined that the jungle around the Purple Tower is in fact still standing, the more discerning identified the haze as present on the wind. Somewhere to the west of Tootchville the forest has been set ablaze, and given the time of year and intensity, it could only be the doing of an intelligent actor...
Leprechauns in Firsthaven?
Firsthaven Enquirer:
Willy Beltsawette drew a crowd to the Dancing Midget today when she ran into the mid-cost Firsthaven Inn's common area announcing that gold had rained down into her recently rented bedchamber. Despite there being no evidence of any such creatures, and the gold "just sort of appearing there," the consensus at the inn's bar was quickly settled on the presence of some magical creature on the premises. Willy's protestations aside, the search for the creatures quickly devolved into a brawl that had to be broken up by the guards. While checks did reveal residual magic, exhaustive searches revealed no creatures associated with the strange coins. At press time the precinct watch captain was anxiously searching for other such portals inside the fortified city.
Hibobu's Sour Not So Good Mood
Once again the Guildmaster trudged the steps of the palace. He appeared in a foul mood and was heard to grumble about " ... a dithering fool of a leader." He was seen by a chamber maid entering Lord Dru's favorite meeting room.
9/1/26
The Shinies Must Flow
Early this morning the war thags trundled into the street followed by one of their wagon drawing draft kin. Hibobu signaled the caravan forward in the early light. Captain Keldir and his men joined the Guildmaster, Hidalga and the merchant Kwaja. Noticably absent was CPT Shulgi and his Shiny Guard. A bystander shouted: "Whar ya bound peddler?" to which Hibobu shouted back: "Tootchville my good man."
9/2/26
Elfin Army Afoot
Marching south from the Umbral Swamps, there are a veritable Host of Elves, native to the Twilight Pines. Captives in tow and led by close associates of the elf-lord Chaz, they are wary, armed, and making good time, seeking to return to their dusky groves, the Twilight Pines.
Hail to the Chief
Two unknown adventurers approached Chief Dru in the streets of Firsthaven during his regular patrols. While witnesses were kept at a distance by Dru's personal guards, it appeared there was a lengthy exchange of words, some documents, and sworn oaths were made between the two parties. It seems the caveman chief is willing to take help wherever he can to ensure the safety of Firsthaven and its people.
9/3/26
Hibobu’s Market Returns!
Once again Hibobu's caravan has arrived at Tootchville, and the merchant's camp now sprawls outside the walls. Stalls are up, awnings raised, and the Guild Master is plainly here to sell.
Pottery, weaponry, jewelry, iron cookware, and every manner of useful and decorative good are on offer.
But one booth draws particular attention: an impressive collection of wrought gold: vases, plates, goblets and elaborate wall decorations fit for the Oval Office of any king.
The Guild master himself is observed striding out the gate to greet his company and direct the bazaar preparations.
Twilight Outpost Consumed by Blaze!
The flames were now hot enough to be painful, even from a distance. Paint was peeling off shields even yards away. The scouts brought back definitive word; a five mile radius around the tree-fort firebreak had erupted in a molten inferno.
"More wood, you dogs!" Grundgru snarled, and snapped his whip again. The spear runners obediently continued passing logs down the line to where a band of orcs were gleefully piling wood on the last unlit grove in the hex.
"Ahm not sure 'bout this, bawss," mumbled Dorhoffer.
Guy "Sarj" Kirashi turned to the other spear-runner, who flinched, expecting a fist to land on his head.
Instead, the head spear runner absentmindedly put his hand on the place where his missing pick usually rested. "Ya know, Dorhoffer. Fer once in yer misrable life, you maya gotta point."
9/4/26
Newcomers to Tootchville
A group of five scraggly dwarves in patchy cloaks arrived in the early hours of Stonerise. They appeared tired as though ending a long journey, and paid for rooms and ale for a month. The dwarves gathered around their table and toasted to each other, "Glory to Cointhrall, Glory to Goldhold, Glory to our fallen kin." As they finished their meal and departed for their rooms, their leader gave them the instruction to rest well, and they would start looking for work on the morrow.
An old-timer and frequent indulger of Tootchville's tavern looked drunkenly over to his fellow and mentioned that there wasn't a speck of grey in the dwarven beards.
9/5/26
Gemsons receive a Message
Patrons of the Purple Rest and Refreshments Pub in Tootchville noted a young man know to be a messenger from the camp of Hibobu. The young man approached the newly arrived Dwarves and delivered a message on parchment then departed. The five read the note and secured it. They seemed to discuss its contents then turned back to their ale and blood sausage.
9/8/26
Cock and Bull Comedy Club
"So I tell the guy if he puts me down, I'll blow him and all his friends sky high!" A series of chuckles go through the bar; whether for the joke or the oddity of a talking skull is anyone's guess. "I mean, I've already borrowed his voice so that's pretty believable, right? Do you guys know how dull it is to stare at a stone door for countless hours while you're surrounded by stiffs? Well, I bet this guys does!" A laugh as a glass is raised from a well-sloshed gentleman in coroner's dress. "You guys are great, you know that? Hey barkeep, give these boys another round! Put it on Traigon's tab, yeah? Gotta keep those adventurers tight on cash so they'll get to work, right?"
9/9/26
Walkers in the Mists
In the early morning mist 5 figures were noted entering Hibobu's camp. Screened by the mist they were not identified but seemed to walk toward Hibobu's large tent.
9/10/26
Last Call
As the morning mist dissipate a crier walks the streets of Tootchville: "OI YAH, OI YAH. THIS IS THE LAST DAY OF HIBOBU'S BAZAAR. YOUR LAST CHANCE TO BUY SELL OR TRADE ENDS WITH THE EVEN-BELL. MAKE YOUR FINAL TRANSACTIONS. TOMORROW WILL BE TOO LATE. OI YAH, OI YAH!"
Brigid’s Faithful Offers Free Healing
A pair of individuals claiming to represent the Goddess Brigid arrived in Firsthaven today. One of them went off to quarters unknown while the other began preaching in the town square about his fiery goddess, her many gifts, and how just as Coralynth became a star, so too can we all become stars ourselves.
We're not quite sure what to make of it, but he was also offering free Cure Light Wounds to the first 3 people who needed it.
9/11/26
The Caravan Departs
Having apparently concluded his business in Tootchville, Hibobu gathered his caravan this morning and departed. Surprisingly, by mid-morning a pair of mushroom hunters arrived in the city reporting that the caravan was headed toward the Dawnspires or maybe the "Elf-woods". Most agreed that the two were too deep into their own wares: "He's bound for Firsthaven just like always."
Gemsons Join Hibobu’s Caravan
The five gemsons seen entering Tootchville last week have seemingly entered into some agreement with Hibobu and are now bound for Firsthaven with the caravan.
Vigilante Brutality in Firsthaven?
The market square of Firsthaven erupted in screams of terror this morning when the body of a thief was found, strung up from a pillar with thick spider silk. Carved into the thief's skin was a message, "RETURN THAT WHICH WAS STOLEN"
Several mysteries surround the murder; where was such a great amount of spider silk found so as to create a gibbet for the thief, and how was he slain for none present could find wound or bruise save for the message, which, while brutal, should not have proved fatal.
9/12/26
Firsthaven Enquirer — Strange Beasts Seen on the Firsthaven Road
TWO-HEADED BEASTS SEEN NEAR THE CITY
Several young soldiers returning from patrol have been telling a remarkable tale of strange beasts encountered last night approximately fifteen miles outside Firsthaven.
According to the soldiers, they encountered a large encampment in the darkness and saw enormous four-legged creatures moving about beyond the firelight.
The soldiers' accounts differ on the beasts' exact appearance, but several agree on one extraordinary detail: They appeared to have two heads.
One soldier described them as resembling lions, though “far larger than any lion has a right to be.” Another insisted that they were unlike any beast he had ever seen. The creatures reportedly watched the soldiers from the darkness but did not pursue them. The patrol did not approach the camp.
No attack has been reported, and there is presently no indication that the strange beasts have entered the city. What manner of creature with two heads walks the Dawnlands?
9/13/26
Hiii-Hoooooo
Hibobu's caravan arrived between mid-day and even-bell. They marched through the North gate and went straight to the big Guild-house building. Notably Captain Keldir and his reavers traveled with the caravan as well as a small band of Gemsons.
9/14/26
Dark Stranger Near Tootchville
A local swineherd came running into town this morning, sounding an alert of a stranger he'd seen outside of town.
"Ain't seen nothin like it afore, taller than any man I’ve ever seen, all in black rags that blew wiffout a wind to blow em. He near fixed me with his eyes, but I ducked as fast I could. I swars on me pigs, he hadn't got a face! Just bare bone under them rags. He arsked me if I seent a 'Sneed' anywheres, but I don't know what that's is and told 'im sos, and then he vanished wiffout a leaf disturbed. I'd 'ave thought he was one of them vampires I been hearin' about, but I could swar I saws a medallion of the Homestone tucked in them rags."
Tax Season At the Earth's Core
Hibobu had scarcely been back in Firsthaven for a day when he received the troubling report. While he was asleep, a man claiming to be a representative of the Innes' on the mainland came to the door and demanded the Sumerian Trader's Guild pay back almost a decade of missed taxes. The poor accountant who answered the door was so startled he immediately cooperated, giving the tax agent the 10k in gold that Hibobu owed.
9/18/26
Sickening Curse Affects Plant Life!
The virulent curse emanating from the ruined temple in the Dawnlands has begun to affect the plant life in the Umbral Lands. Plants wither, and fruits rot on the vine. It will be a poor harvest this year for certain. Not even the sacred groves of the Druid circles are immune to the curse, their branches yielding no berries; only crumbling browning leaves.
9/19/26
Meeting of Minds?
In Tootchville, a rabbit trapper says that as he was going out at first light to check his snares, he saw the Merchant Hibobu near the new adventurers guild speaking to the Druid, Sneed. He said he wanted to get closer to hear what was said but there was a big cat eyeballin' him.
Hibobu Missing?
This morning there was excitement around the Merchants Guild House as soldiers and followers fanned out looking for their leader, Hibobu. Seems that he has disappeared along with one of the big saber-toothed tigers.
9/20/26
Dateline Twilight Pines
The furious and long-anticipated battle between the forces of chaos and the forces of... chaos... certainly did not lack for pyrotechnics. What began as a straightforward massacre of vampires in the vault below the Twilight Pines turned shock upset as a single vampire managed to bite and taste the blood of Cain! While the vampire met his demise soon after, he left this world with a knowing smile. Will Ra berate the Hunter's vulnerability, or the gods look down in shame? Time will tell.
Meanwhile, a platoon of Elves operating in skirmish order fell upon the orcs attempting to set alight the Twilight Pines. While they slew the orcs in short order, they were unable to halt the conflagration, which as of our correspondent's last report remains burning.
In the main hall, an attempted double-envelopment (in all senses of the term) by the elves backfired when their berserking would-be victims proved simply too angry to be horny. There were no survivors.
Meanwhile, in the second-most anticipated battle of the night, the Windlance Brigade bravely charged through a storm of fire and lightning raining from the chaos portals in the sky, taking horrific casualties, only to find that the Mahar Queen and her handmaidens left as soon as they saw the chaos storm.
"Balls." Chaz is reported as saying.
Finally, Cain took his frustrations out on the berserker chieftains, besting both in single combat and earning the loyalty(?) of the clan.
One vampire, it is rumored, survived. Cain's dignity, it is confirmed, did not.
9/21/26
Chuddie Safe and Sound
Chuddie, the eyeless baby, has adjusted nicely to being under the care of an undisclosed resident of Tootchville. Despite being tied up, he enjoys the finest meats the cuisine of UMBROS has to offer (Dino nuggets). He patiently awaits reunification with Ooka Booka.
9/22/26
Merchant Slain in Firsthaven!
A local jewelry merchant has been found dead in his chambers. The man's family have explained that for the past few nights that he'd complained of a dark stranger stalking him. Indeed, it appears the merchant believed this stranger would attack him, as there were many booby traps set about his chamber which needed to be found and disarmed before the body could be removed. The body, while having expired a few days past, was covered in thick spiderwebs. No fatal wound was found on the body, though, like with the thief found a few weeks ago, a message had been written in the victim's skin. The victim's sealed chest had been burst, and a golden piece of jewelry, recently purchased, has been reported as missing.
Hibobu Brings a Dwarf to the Palace
At midday today Hibobu was seen entering the palace with an unknown dwarf who carried a glass jar.
9/23/26
Announcement from Tootch of the Purple Tower
Keblar climbs the pulpit just outside the Purple Tower at first light with a long paper in hand.
"By proclamation of Tootch the Eternal, BDubs has taken over control Tootch and his associated Faction as of today. Some may hear this with great trepidation asking ‘but will BDubs continue his Booker duties, would that not be a conflict of interest, wouldn't it be cheating?’ To this Tootch responds 'Yes'.
Moving on. Tootch is highly perturbed that cowardly adventurers have abandoned the Helrock dungeon and the missions they were assigned there for the new Monty Haul dungeon in Firsthaven. Tootch considers this a great affront to himself. As such, he announces universal claim to all non weapon/armor magical items found in all dungeons in UMBROS. Upon discovery of these, adventurers are now required to Chaz-Phone Keblar within one week of finding such items to explain what they believe it is and does. Adventurers will be refunded the cost of the Chaz-Phone for this purpose up to 200 GP. We will then reach back out to the adventurer on whether Tootch wishes to have this item (in which fair pricing will be offered) or whether We will allow the adventurer to keep this item as a gift from Tootch. Thanks, while not required, will be appreciated.
We will be working closely with Dru and our Treasured Friend Hibobu to assure clear communication and installation of this policy. We appreciate your attention and cooperation in this manner and hope no adventurers will need to be turned into goats due to non-compliance.
Lastly, any Level 2 or higher Adventurer of Neutral (NG, NE, LN, NN, CN) alignment and is invited to come swear allegiance to Tootch upon which they will be gifted a Magic Weapon or Armor & given a title of prestige with associated benefits to be discussed."
With this Keblar descends the stage and returns to the Tower.
Sparking Diplomacy
Every mirror and mirror-like surface in UMBROS suddenly emits a disgusting smell and a shower of small sparks.
"Is this stupid thing on?"
"The arcane energies are very unstable, milord"
"Shut it, Travyoy! I know what I'm doing!"
Another shower of sparks and the mirrors fall silent.
An hour later a small slip of paper falls out. It reads:
"This stupid Chazphone is on the fritz. It seems like any attempted use of it now automatically copies whatever message it receives to every connected mirror in range... And apparently it eats gold without giving it to me, so theres no charge any more. Also i'm not responsible for the litter your mirrors may start generating."
(It's "free to use," but only if the message is Tweeted, using correct hashtags. More or less, all conversations become possible public knowledge.)
Merchant Calling
Hibobu shrugs and starts dictating to his mirror: "To all good clerics, One or more good aligned clerics needed for an important expedition against evil. See Hibobu in Firsthaven for details."
Gemsons in Firsthaven Seek Audience with Chief Dru
The five gemsons who arrived with Hibobu last week have been spotted heading towards the palace, carrying a letter of recommendation. They were overheard talking amongst themselves about an expedition into the lower parts of the city, though, by this reliable source's account, it seems they were heading for an alternate entrance. What the meeting with the Chief could mean remains speculation. Could it be that another section of city has a hold of treasure left undisturbed for generations? Will the gemsons get to it first?
Singing Mermen Depart Coralynthia
A band of forty mermen departed the island of Coralynthia, their dolphins packed with digging tools and musical instruments. The mermen rendered a rousing performance of Conservati Fedele before swimming to the west, across the Umbral Land's northern shore.
9/27/26
Hail the Conquering Heroes!
Firsthaven's evening revelry was interrupted by the clamor of a warband returning. Ohm Eld, Cleric of the Home Stone, and Reed, Druid of Brigid, set out at dawn with their War Thag Valeria Regina and a score of footmen. They returned, less some of their number, hauling a great many objects. Hawks cried out, the great Thag trumpeted, and the spearmen sang hymns as they marched to the center of Firsthaven, whereupon Reed supervised the erection of a wicker man, placing many jackal spirit and a few less savory corpses inside. Ohm Eld remained on the platform. As the light of the Homestone waned, Reed addressed the growing and curious crowd.
“See here, good citizens of Firsthaven, the servants of Hel! These wicked creatures slew many, including the Order of the Iguandon, in service of their fiendish desires: but by the grace and might of the great goddess Brigit and the redoubtable Homestone, their foulness has at last been cleansed from this land.
The creeping corruption will no more afflict these lands. See now, the might of Brigit!”
At this, Reed set alight the wicker man and led the crowd in a rousing rendition of ‘Her Fire Bright Comforts the Righteous and Scorches the Wicked’, a stirring though somewhat more modern hymn.
The Purple Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Music
The sounds of jungle hushed and hid as the rumbling of the thag's heavy footfalls grew closer, but the unmistakable sound of Traigon's voice -- through the skeletal mouth of Mr. Zard -- cut through even that thunder.
"I gotta get you guys over to the karaoke night me and the fellas used to have over in the mound! I used to kill it with em. Of course, they were already dead, so there wasn't much competition. Come on now, I know you know this one...
HAAAAANDS... TOUCHING HAAAANDS... REACHING OUT..."
The merchant looked over at Thomas and asked "Does it ever shut up?"
👎
"Figures."
"SWEEEEET CAROLIIIIINE!!! BA BA BAAAAA"
9/30/26
Expedition Returns From Firsthaven Archives
Dorgrim, the gemson contracted by Hibobu and Chief Dru to explore the lower levels of the Firsthaven archives, emerged with his party from the depths, covered in webs and gore. Their faces were sullen as they pulled litters bearing the bodies of three gemsons, while the sergeant of the Shiny Guard carried a small, platinum chest and a sack which dripped a dark ichor and seemed to writhe ever so slightly.
The Madman’s Scrawlings
During my revels I discovered a narrow, shaded path leading to an ancient door. It was a great piece of stone carved with macabre dancers whose prime delight was in the torture and murder of entities I did not recognize. Yet, in a deeper recess of my soul, I sensed a kinship with these things; as all men fear the Fire. As I pondered this, tendrils of shadow crept from the deepest recesses of the door, entangling me in their icy grip. I struggled with what might I could muster as my senses were consumed by aromas of death and decay; of places spoken of by raving, possessed poets inspired by demonic muses! I grasped desperately for any sense of grounding or a means with which to drown out the growing furor, and in a moment I can only call mercy, I heard a voice:
"She comes."
I wandered the dreamlands in search of truth, and found only the void. I know not who or where. I know not when or even why. She comes. She comes! SHE'S HERE!
Editions Note: This is Moriva the Lich. I planted a seed months ago that she'd return in October for a sort of BROvenloft style Halloween event. I've no idea what the Co-DM plans to do with it but Tootch may or may not already be working on some counterpoint...
Folkin’ Around the Purple Tower
Odd reports coming out of a talking skull singing strange folk songs around the Purple Tower. Some claim Tootch was seen dancing to these catchy 3 chord tunes while others say Meero was the dancer instead.
Market's Opening!
The citizens of Tootchville are happy but not surprised at the arrival of Guild Master Hibobu's caravan this afternoon. As always, the Bazaar was established amid stout security and criers are sent to announce the opening with the first light tomorrow 10/1/2026.
Notably, Captain Keldir continues to travel with the caravan supposedly providing additional column and bazaar security. Astute observers noted that the fearsome Tiger Scouts have somehow added another big cat but she is unridden and stays close to a veteran female. It is said they are named Ursula and Tembea Gizani.
