In a recent ad hoc session play I ran for the dwarf player and the Level 3 PC Mage in early June, I adjudicated Iron Rider and the dwarves traveling overland to arrive at Firsthaven. They got lost ALOT and ended up there around 06/12/26 and told me, because Ferigno was napping and hadn't seen there smallish army approach, that he'd wait until the morning to attack the dragon.
In a later blog I will lay out the order of battle where I ran the Battle of Firsthaven as a play by post wargame (assuming there wasn't enough game there to Docket it for the wargamers in the group to play out). I assumed it would be a simple adjudication, and it was, but it led to some incredible story elements that have drastically impacted the campaign state going forward. Which is the point of a wargame, docket, and Total Nonstop Braunstein!
But for now I want to keep the objective details of the battle a secret from the players. And they, like you, can enjoy and interpret the subjective details from the SEEN posts some/all of them were asked to craft.
Some amazing people have said I'm a genius for asking for multiple SEEN posts for a big event like this. That it helps lay out the way real news is with various eyewitness reports of all varieties and levels of truthfulness. I agree with these amazing people, I am a genius.
Enjoy!
06/13/26
Fire in the Sky
While rumors about the Battle of Firsthaven, as the popular press is now calling it, have been flying fast and thick, some points of consistency can be identified across the varied accounts. Among them: the only damage to the Wyrm Ferigno came at the hands of a wizard in the employ of the Dwarven army. This spellcaster was seen slinging fireballs with wild abandon, one of which scorched the dragon’s hide and incinerated the Vinelings being carried by him at the time.
Popular accounts have this wizard riding a tiger while engaging Ferigno, though we caution our readers to take such exaggerated stories with a grain of salt.
Information about this individual remains sparse: the magic-user evidently has spoken to no one except his Dwarven employers and the Pygmy Kwaja. The Dwarves aren’t talking to our reporters and none of us can understand a word of what Kwaja is saying. The magic user, for his part, has completely disappeared after the battle.
6/13/26
Report From the Wall at the Battle of Firsthaven
On the day of the battle this reporter was about to interview the Guild Master Hibobu who was standing the North Wall among his numerous archers. As I approached him, war trumpets sounded from the north. A massive horde of dwarven soldiers and crossbowmen were charging the assembled vinlings. The Guild Master shouted: "The dwarves come. Archers mount. Release the Cats." With the gate opened the Tigers erupted from the gate and surged across the field as the infantrymen followed trotting to help the attack. The archers all around me literally lept from the wall to the backs of the thags who soon followed. Hibobu stood the wall with his companion, Hildaga. For his part the nasty dragon took flight. It was then that I heard terrified soldiers and beast riders screaming. I witnessed many running away before I was overcome with a tremendous fright and ran home. Later I was told that the raging Thags trampled all the dwarves but I cannot confirm that. It was also rumored that an unknown mage came riding a tiger and casting spells but I think this is a hoax or perhaps a mirage born of fear.
06/13/26
Coralynth at the Battle of Firsthaven
"Coralynth was seen confidently surging out of the water in the bay of Firsthaven. Believing this was her moment to strike her hated enemy Ferigno. Those witnessing the charge could tell she hesitated for a moment as the realization dawned on her that it was too soon.
Struck down by the powerful Fergino in a single blow. She destroys a city district as she crashes to the ground."
Editors Note: Coralynth is a Dragoness who leads an army of mermaids off the coast of Firsthaven. She was brought into the campaign play a few weeks back to give some Good aligned elements to UMBROS, which had too many underhanded Neutral and Evil factions without enough Good factions to counteract it. Her backstory is based off of Poul Andersons "Merman's Children"; but with a disney dragon who sings love songs.
06/13/26
CORALYNTH SAVED FROM POISONING - FIRSTHAVEN HAUNTED BY GHOST OF ANCIENT ENEMY?
All in Firsthaven witnessed the astonishing battle between Coralynth and Ferigno, and looked on in horror as our beloved bronze friend was struck from the sky by a disgusting torrent of bile from the maw of the Green Worm. Onlookers said as she lay amidst the rubble that she appeared to be dying of poisoning. Just as she took her last shuddering breath, an anonymous eyewitness said she recovered her health suddenly in a flash of bright light. As the light began to fade, it appeared the source of the magic spell was a hazy, shimmering silhouette of a man. From his hiding place, our source says he could hear Coralynth ask the man “Who are you?” The reply: “In life, I was known to men as Hooja the Sly.” He faded away with the last of the light, and Coralynth took wing.
06/13/26
Ferigno and the no good very bad day!
Ferigno wakes up from his nap outside of Firsthaven just in time to see dwarves cresting the hill. He whips his vinelings into formation but sees that he does not have enough. Gathering some of them that he actually cares about, Ferigno takes to the skies, breathing out a cloud of deadly poison on the dwarves. A Magic User hits the Wyrm with a fireball, giving him a little sunburn. But alas! the vinelings he carried did not fare so well.
Angered at this turn of events, he turns around to go home, but decides to pay the citizens of Firsthaven a visit. Ronan’s useless army cowers before the flying menace and Hibobus thag riders abandon their mounts, letting the thags stampede over the dwarves. Thanks Hibobu!
Ferigno soars over the wall and is about to show the citizens why they shouldn’t mess with a dragon, when who should appear but the only being Ferigno hates more than the dwarves! Coralynth! Could this day get any worse? But luck is on Ferigno’s side, as he breathes first and knocks Coralynth out of the sky and onto the Home Stone Temple! Ferigno laughs haughtily as he flies back to the Glarewood. Even as vastly outnumbered as he was, the forces of Good stay losing.
Editors Note: Thus ends the SEEN posts which were composed about the Battle of Firsthaven. The below items were related to the response to the Battle or side stories which were happening concurrently. Unlike a boring Conventional D&D campaign, there are ALWAYS lots of things happening in a BROSR TOTAL NONSTOP BRAUNSTEIN campaign.
6/15/2026
Protector Vandor Missing
For the last few days, no one has seen or heard from Protector Vandor or his ghoul hunters. Gossip spreads amongst the populace of Firsthaven that they have been captured by the ghoul cults, while some believe that Hooja’s assassins killed him as vengeance for the death of their leader. All anyone can agree on is that Firsthaven is no longer safe, and they look to their Prince with eyes filled with hope, desperation, and — perhaps — anger.
06/16/26
Mysterious Masked Martial Artist Mullers Magician!
Chaos in Tootchville today as a man engaged in a flying fist fight with Tootch for several hours. This individual arrived on a chariot pulled by brontosaurs and reportedly introduced himself as the Grand Master of the Order of the Radiant Wombat before demanding vengeance for his old teacher. The conclusion of the battle took place out of sight of Tootchville, but several large and multi-colored explosions were witnessed.
Tootch was seen limping back into town sporting a beauty of a shiner. Of the martial artist, no sign can be found.
06/18/26
Complete Darkness
Thedd Dredd, adventuring once again into the depths of the Hel Dungeon, was seen returning from that foul place with a bandage wrapped around his eyes. Ranak the fighter was leading him back to their accommodations near Tootch’s Tower.
Whispers among the residents suggest that Thedd is looking for a cleric who can cast Cure Blindness. The situation, at least locally, appears very grim for the young cleric.
06/18/26
Mirroring Greatness
Azkin the Elf, adventurer and Hel Delver extraordinaire, has been seen about the Town (village?) of Tootchville in recent days complaining of a "low score" in his recent delve into Helrock. "No jewels at all!" he has been heard to complain, "these humies wanted to waste time investigating evil altars or something. And the altars had NO. JEWELS. AT. ALL." Despite this apparent setback, Azkin was showing off a "cool mirror shield" and celebrating his great cleverness in fastening a "burger king crown" to the head of a comrade whose corpse he apparently left upon a "hel throne" within the dungeon.
Editors Note: Azkin as my Level 1 PC who adventured on 06/16/16 in real session play. I was not the DM that night. Have you ever adventured in the campaign you also DM (most of the time)? If you're a BROSR member, the answer is likely "yes". If you're not a BROSR member your answer is likely "I'm too busy crying about my male pattern balding and funhouse mirror BMI for that!"
06/18/26
Do Clerics Dream of Exploding Frogs?
Stumbling out of Tootch's Tower, Thedd Dredd could be seen holding his stomach in pain, with a soot-covered face and blackened lips.
"What happened to you, Thedd? Can you see again?" one of the Hel Delvers exclaimed.
"It wasn’t magical blindness. It was a curse. Keblar struck a hard bargain. The cure was nearly worse than the disease, as it were. Also, the exploding tadpoles have a cherry taste to them..."
Thedd could be observed making his way back to his cot to recover from the...spicy experience.
06/18/2026
In your Dreams of Glass
At the dim verge of your waking sleep, just outside your peripheral vision, at the edge of sight and sound; stands Chaz.
"It has come to my attention @everyone complains of the inability to communicate in UMBROS. While I have no interest of speaking to any of you, so I see not a problem, I believe I might profit off this development. In honor of the START OF MIDSUMMER on 06/20/2026, you may all pay me for the use of Twilight Whispering by chanting 'Chaz is Great' three times into any mirror in UMBROS. Said mirror will become like water where you might drop your ill gotten coin into my hand. Upon which, you speak into the mirror and your target will receive your message (you dm them and let me know in your DT channel you paid and what you sent)! You're welcome indeed. I can see you now peering into your smart phone, reading this, and tell how pleased you are with me. You should consider blocking the camera with your thumb, my good fellow."
At this he laughs dismissively.
"What is the charge you ask? Let's review. Firstly, the messages must be TWEET LENGTH OR SHORTER. That's 240 chars not some paid for mega-tweet, friend. Matt Walsh you are not! I will charge by the amount you send per month, resetting on the first of each.
First: 150 gp
Second: 330 gp
Third: 660 gp
Fourth: 1,200 gp
Fifth and After: 1,500 gp
And if you TWEET the message as is, and use hashtag #UMBROS #DND #BROXT the cost is 1/3rd! But who might see it.....
So go forth and communicate, you ridiculous humans. I won't keep all your messages for my own use, just your coin. You can trust me. Goodbye. For now."
Editors Note: Chaz is my original character from Trollopulous, the campaign of great note that you can read about NOW on your amazon kindle ebook machine. It's prime day today so give as much money as you can to the evil empire but also to me. Give that money to me as well because I helped write the book. Anyway, I had Chaz introduce this communication method because UMBROS players were complaining that they had no way to communicate and set up convergences and wargames and such. Well for one, that sadly shows they lack creativity and ingenuity. But, for two, that allows Chaz the opportunity to collect cash and secrets from those too lazy and uncreative to realize this. Chaz is a high level NPC at this time. He was player controlled for a time and during a session Braunstein and may be again, soon. I'm not "playing" Chaz but, since it's my character going way back, I find it particularly easy to RP him for important moments and concepts like this. I look forward to seeing if this leads to more communication between players.
6/20/26
Paying Respect
Residents noted that Hibobu and Hildaga were seen ascending to the ruined Temple of the Home Stone. They spent about an hour and returned to the Guildhouse. Asked their purpose Hibobu solemnly answered that they prayed for the safety of the City and its citizens.
06/21/26
Of Thags and Humans
Captain Shulgi of the Merchant’s Guild has been seen talking to any mercenaries he can find in Firsthaven. His men have been posting hand bills and a crier hired to extol the life as a "Shiny Guard"
06/21/26
Hildaga and Her Girl Friends
Hildaga and her girl friends from the Merchant's Guild were seen in fine white gowns carrying baskets of sweetmeats and donuts into the palace. Seems they were handing them out as thanks to the intrepid guards. Although one scullery maid was heard complaining that her "boyfriend" got more than a donut: "Donuts my arse! An him tellin' me 'she's adjustin' me codpiece'. Adjustin'? Adjustin' by the blinkin' stone! Huzzies!"
6/22/2026
Dwarven Caravan Near Tootchville
A caravan of dwarves were spotted traveling on the path through the Purple Hills near Tootchville dragging four covered carts laden with some kind of goods that rattled under their cover. One witness swore that something long, white, and spiked poked out before a distinctly large dwarf tucked it back under the tarp. The caravan was last seen heading in the direction of Tootchville.
06/22/26
A Sound of Thunder**
A clap of thunder booms across the land and the sky darkens. As your ears pop and thrum you hear the tinny metallic voice of Cain the Kinslayer.
"I have heard the chattering fearful voices of everyone. I see you scouring the texts for the deep dark mysteries, searching for the weaknesses of the monsters who prey upon the lands of UMBROS. While I am disappointed in you all for your cowardice and lack of guile, I am also sympathetic to your mortal plight. I will offer you all a gift. I shall bestow upon you the ways of the Monster Hunter. Seek my face and take my mark and I will grant you the secrets you desire in the ancient scrolls of MM, MM2, and FF. STARTING NOW, you may make an offering to me for the blessing of Monster Knowledge Pledge your loyalty to me and I will bestow upon you the information you seek.. Be forewarned. A quest may be required to prove your loyalty and dedication to the Order of Monster Hunters.
(let me know what book you read*)
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