Wednesday, July 6, 2022

Dubzaron Session 61: Xanthos of the Apes

This session was played on 06/08/22 with PCs being able to take actions on 06/10/22 and after.

Session Report

pls no steal i paid 9000 bitcoin for this image
The party hasn't been back to the Nethercity in a while but tonight decided to return. There was a great deal of discussion on the mics as players trickled in slowly to the voice chat. This was a bit of an odd player combination with Olivier (PC Paladin level ???) who hasn't been around in a while and Ambros (PC Cleric level ???) and Brian (PC Wonderworker level 1) who are both relatively new players (not just PCs) to the campaign after just a few months of this nearly two year long campaign.

I think this added to the uncertainty of what they were going to do. BriarWhisper's (PC Elven Ranger level ???) player was not here tonight and he tends to be the one who has some session goal for the players ready to go. Either because he's hyped about something in the game world or because he polled the players during the week in their private chat. I think. I'm not actually sure what goes on in that private PC chat; I think they just call me names and complain about me for hours on end. 

I would.

They eventually agreed on the Nethercity and I think their general goal was to find the river and explore the underground river they saw there a few months back when I had a substitute DM. I'm not really sure. 

When the party got to the guard room of Ianna's Nethers, the temple which PCs built to protect the entrance to the Nethercity, the guards were happy to see Daria (PC Bladedancer level ???) who is apparently the owner of the shrine and the belowground guard room. It was in Rapunzel's will or something. Daria was confused.

It seems some monsters had tried to beat down the doors to claim the guard room and Ianna's Nethers but to no avail. Some guards were lost (news to Daria!) during the raids. 

The party nodded and otherwise ignored their guards and moved to the volcanic tunnels beyond the guard room. I rolled a random encounter of 3 White Apes and a Reaction roll of Friendly (or almost) so Xanthos (PC Cleric level 6) started to use his Beast Friendship proficiency to parley and talk with them.

This is where the magic of dnd and oracular dice started to happen. Firstly these White Apes are not of John Carter fame. They don't have 6 arms and they're not 10 feet tall. They are apes who live underground so long their hair turns white. 

Xanthos wanted to Hench them which he can do in ACKS because he's more than 1 level higher than the Ape's 4 hit dice. So he asked if there was a mated pair so I guess he could breed more later?

I rolled 3d2 to determine their sex and they were all dude apes. So I decided these were the bachelor apes you see at the zoo who have to be in their own pen so they won't bother the lady apes. The meme jokes just took off from there. I started to joke that the apes were incel and made cracks about various incel behavior I've seen on tw1tter. That the apes were conspiracy theorist's and called things "cringe" and "based".

A player decided they should look like those ugly "Bored Apes" NFT pictures so they started finding some pictures like that to drop in the session chat to give these apes a look.

When the apes were successfully henched one took off his Burger King crown and placed it on Xantho's head "because he's the new kang". The apes were eventually named Kang, Cheeto, and Newport. The whole situation was really funny and it shows the magic of dnd where the players can run the dozens, expounding on eachother's funniest jokes to create something in the game world.

Sadly the fun mood changed in the very next room. I rolled a random encounter of 3 Wights and I rolled that they surprised the party. I ruled that, based on the distances involved, the Wights would lie in ambush and hit the party from behind.

The Wights attacked and killed Egam (Mage henchman to Daria) and achieved two successful hits on Xanthos. This meant Xanthos was drained down two levels. The air went out of the room and players were bummed.

Olivier turned about and killed one of the wights. Xanthos, upon getting his bearings, used Turn Undead and sent the other two wights running. The PCs were angry and wanted to chase down and kill the Turned wights as I think revenge for level draining Xanthos. 

During the chase scene the session went back into high comedy. One wight fell down in the doorway and the Incel Apes surrounded and beat him down. Oliver tripped across the body in the doorway and went sprawling across the threshold into the other room. The last wight ran off into the darkness beyond and the party chose not to pursue.

The Incel Apes, upon realizing Xanthos was now too low level to Hench them, took away his cardboard Burger King crown and Kang now wears it. So sad!

The Incel Apes were confused but kept following the party as they left the dungeon. Daria cast Charm Animal on the apes near the guard room so they would keep listening to the party in general after the session was over.


I wasn't too pumped to run the Nethercity as its sessions have all been kind of similar the last half dozen times they delved there. This session, however, was quite different. The use of random encounters and restocking checks and Reaction checks made for a session that would have been part of a homebrew dungeon. 

I enjoyed it very much but was certainly not happy Xanthos lost two levels. That hurts. I'm not a killer DM! But I run the dice as the fall. The dice gaveth with the friendly incel apes and the dice tooketh away with 3 Wights who got surprise.

What I've found to be the case that after DMing 60+ sessions it's quite easy and fun to make up almost everything on the fly. The dice handle the raw details but giving meaning to the oracular power of the dice is the fun. What used to scare me about running DND in this way which is, in my opinion, like DMing without a net, now exhilarates me. I recommend everyone reading this to give it a try. And give yourself many sessions to force yourself to learn. Good players won't begrudge you your mistakes as you learn to improv sessions in this way.


Dama (L1 Venturer) played by RR.  Current total xp: 75. DECEASED. Poison gas in Session 3.

Darius LeVay (L1 Assassin) played by JB. Current Total XP:451. DECEASED. Poison gas in Session 3.

Donald the Guardsman (L1 Fighter) played by MP. Current Total XP:570. DECEASED. Intra-party justice in Session 3.

Felix (L1 Thief) played by Nicholas. Current Total XP:431. DECEASED. Poison gas in Session 3.

Hektor (L1 Paladin) played by Moai. DECEASED. Cause of Death: goblin warg rider throat removal surgery in Session 2

Leonidas the Inquisitor (L1 Cleric) played by RR.Current Total XP:498  DECEASED. Frozen undead blistering cold aura left his skin frostbitten and broken in Session 6. Body not recovered.

Mard the Mage (L1 Mage) played by Nicholas. DECEASED. Frozen undead blistering cold aura left his skin frostbitten and broken in Session 6. Body not recovered.

Yolo Baggins "My friends call me Swaggins" (L1 Gnomish Trickster) played by J. DECEASED. Paralyzed and eaten by ghouls in Session 12. Body not recovered.

Jack Filcher (L1 Thief) played by C. DECEASED. Shot full of arrows by Inthorn's brigands in Session 12. Body not recovered.

Swoleous Maximus (L1 Paladin). DECEASED. Captured then drawn and quartered by Inthorn the Brigand warlord in Session 12. Posthumously named "Petty Hero of Turos Tem" by Legate Valerian. Ashes offered a place of pride in the Hospital.

Damianus (L1 Cleric). DECEASED. Captured and beheaded by Inthorn the Brigand warlord in Session 12. Posthumously named "Petty Hero of Turos Tem" by Legate Valerian. Ashes offered a place of pride in the Hospital.

Bucky (L1 Barbarian). DECEASED. Became a illegal pit fighter during his downtime. Had two bouts to the death, winning the first and losing the second. Was killed by Young Jack Sparrow who sashayed into the ring, drank rum, and mogged on Bucky before putting a dagger into his ribs, killing him. This happened during downtime between Session 17 and 18.

Broll Wolf-Eater (L1 Barbarian). Current total XP: 1079. DECEASED. Carried off by harpies after falling for their enchanting song in Session 19.

Brother Franklin (L1 Cleric). DECEASED. Decapitated by a mad cultist of a Lovecraftian slime thing in Session 19.

Felix the Elder (L1 Bard). Total XP 825. DECEASED. Captured by mad cultists and fed to a Lovecraftian slime monster in Session 19.

Templar Flavius Africanus (L1 Cleric). Total XP 7. Killed by the claws and beak of mad harpies in Session 19.

Xendi (L1 Explorer). Total XP 6. DECEASED. Carried off by harpies after falling for their enchanting song in Session 19.

Yllmeeton (L3 Shaman). Total XP 4,563. Bludgeoned by the corpse of a bowmen by Rosie Odonnel hag in Session 21.

Longinus (L2 Assassin). Total XP 2,036. Had his face ripped off by Rosie Odonnel hag in Session 21.

Mandonio (L3 Fighter). Total XP 4,779. Charred to a leprous crisp by diseased Dragon breath in Session 22.

Corydon (L1 Joker). Total XP: 0. Burnt to a crisp by chimera breath so thoroughly his corpse wasn't even fit for the crows. Died with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. that's life and as funny as it seems... some people get their kicks, stomping on a dream... In Session 25.

Donny Keebler (L1 Elven Spellsword). Total XP 2,238. Had his legs burned completely off by chimera fire breath in Session 25.

Marina (L2 Fighter). Total XP: 2,204. Burnt into ash by a chimera fire breath in Session 25.

Gundro (L2 Gnomish Trickster). Total XP: 2,575. Had his mouth and tongue bitten off by a lizardman ambusher in the dank sewers below Cyfaraun in Session 26.

Polydoros (L1 Fighter). Total XP: 0. Had his legs ripped off and eaten by Akira monsters in the dark canopy of the Viaspen Forest in Session 28.

Odrum (L1 Explorer). Total XP: 287. Javelin to the heart from the hands of weird vine goblins hidden in the walls of Ferigno's lair in Session 30.

Garvin the Nutless Wonder (L1 Mage). Total XP: 0. Fell off the side of Ferigno's lair 20 feet to his death in Session 30.

Blackmoon (L1 Assassin). Total XP: 768. Choked to death by BOB from Twin Peaks while stealing treasure from Ferigno's dragon horde in Session 30.

Xanthus (L2 Cleric). Total XP: 2,364. Choked to death by BOB from Twin Peaks while hanging out on the roof of Ferigno's lair in Session 30.

Lord Zyklon (L1 Elven Spellsword). Total XP: 0. LORD ZYKLON DISEMBOWLED LORD ZYKLON upon finding himself on the losing side of the Desolation of Turos Tem.

Turin (L1 Cleric). Total XP: 0. Eaten by Wargs in Session 32.

Rat Face (L2 Thief) Total XP: 1,577. Seemingly grabbed in the dark by a Xenomorph in Session 36. In a sinkhole your party can hear you scream! 

Smarticus (L1 Mage) Total XP: 0. Captured by a Xenomorph in Session 36 for all the party to witness. Taken deep into a sinkhole.

Hearticus (L1 Cleric) Total XP: 0. Gored to death by giant horned beetles in Session 39 after projectile vomiting all over himself from the stink of sewer sludge.

Mickey Mouser (L1 Thief) Total XP: 0. Gored to death by giant horned beetles in Session 39 in the happiest place on earth: the Cyfaraun sewer!

Aenes (Level 1 Paladin) Total XP: 62. Swarmed by giant flies in the sewer beneath Cyfaraun in Session 40.

Acianus (Level 1 Mage) Total XP: 0. Chopped to pieces in Session 42 by a six armed demon statue from behind and quickly forgotten about by his compatriots who saved MadEye and lamented Hardar instead. But I'll never forget you Acinanu nanu...nanite... nananaa...

Hardar (Level 2 Mage) Total XP: 2,832. Chopped up in Session 42 by a six armed demon statue as he held his Darth Vader Choking Grip spell long enough for his compatriots to escape an unwinnable battle. His dream to become the most evil being in the universe suffers eternally the indignity of being remembered for self sacrifice and laying his life down for his friends.

Nubbs (Level 3 Thief) Total XP: 4,017. Swarmed by scarabs which bored into his ears and brain in Session 45.

Grummz (Level 1 Dwarven Vaultgard) Total XP: 0. Ripped limb from limb by a throng of skeletons and their undead golem leaders in Session 46.

Grommzs (Level 1 Dwarven Vaultguard) Total XP: 2,168. Torn to bits and eaten by trolls in session 48

Rapunzel (Level 4 Priestess) Total XP: 11,540. Torn to bits and eaten by trolls in Session 48.

Schizo (Level 1 Mage): Total XP: 0. Frozen to death by an assassin's guild ruffian bard wielding a Wand of Cold in session 54.

Marteen (Level 1 Thief): Total XP: 0. Fell to his death in Lamalla's Temple upon a pile of dragon horde gold. Corpse eaten by Sheila the Beautiful, an Ancient Blue Dragon in session 56.

Alexa this is so sad play "Clint Eastwood" by Gorillaz

1 comment:

  1. Hey Dubz, saw on Twitter that you were looking for a Patron based on the High Crusade. Got anyone already?


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