Introduction
This "week" in UMBROS is actually two weeks, because apparently neither the campaign nor its Booker possess any respect for the Gregorian calendar.
The real talk of the last couple weeks, however, has been Dungeon Design.
Poor old DM Dunder Moose, formerly responsible for the Adventure Tier and Hel Delvers portion of the UMBROS Total Nonstop Braunstein, has been taking an absolute shellacking from Jeffro Johnson over on Substack. Jeffro has produced post after post examining Moose's dungeon, his refereeing decisions, the experiences of Moose's players, and what he believes those failures reveal about low level AD&D play generally. If you're reading this space you know Jeffro: his critiques can be brutal.
Some of it is extremely funny. But underneath the clowning is an argument I mostly agree with: a Level 1 dungeon intended for inexperienced players and a DM still learning AD&D needs to give those players room to learn the game. The dungeon should permit them to judge risks, cooperate, retreat, return, explore, find easier and harder routes, and ultimately decide for themselves how much danger they wish to court.
Jeffro puts the important part rather plainly:
"The world needs to be sane and predictable enough that players can assess risks and then make decisions that ameliorate those risks."
And then comes what I think is the heart of his criticism of Dunder:
"Dunder violated basically the only rule in dungeon design that matters. The first level should be simple and boring and not as dangerous. But the further down you go, the weirder and scarier and more lucrative it should get."
I agree. The players need the difficulty dial in their own hands. Level 1 ought to give a new group room to learn AD&D, learn one another, learn when to run, learn when to fight, and eventually develop the confidence to go deeper for bigger scores. What the BROSR used to call a "milk run" session, where things are easy and not all that much seems to happen, allows players to learn the system and usually sets up some campaign elements a Braunstein DM can use later.
Jeffro also makes a point I think is more important than it first appears:
"THIS ONE DESIGN STRATEGY MEANS THAT THE PLAYERS DON'T HAVE TO EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT HOW HARD THE GAME IS."
Well, they will complain. They're players. But he's right.
Yet, watching poor Dunder Moose take this prolonged beating, I thought perhaps I could help the man's morale. Maybe I could whip together a little Level 1 dungeon myself, demonstrate a few of these principles, and take some heat off the Moose.
This was a tactical error.
The Tribal Chief immediately turned his ire upon me and Superman punched me.
Jeffro looked at my little dungeon and declared:
"Dubs didn't complete the assignment."
Not an encouraging opening.
Apparently I had produced a "lair with a random encounter chart" rather than an actual dungeon level. Worse, Jeffro thought I had stumbled into essentially the same problem he had been beating Dunder over:
"He makes a very similar error as Dunder Moose. He's got these relatively tough encounters on it... enough to send a first level party packing."
I won't defend my dungeon here except to say I whipped it up pretty fast and have confidence it would be extremely fun and would NOT send a Player group packing. And, like Moose, I'm happy to see Jeffro getting some interesting analysis out of discussing dungeon design. Most of us thought the OSR had exhausted the subject after spending a decade or so blogging about dungeon design between lamenting the cost of insulin.
Yet Jeffro is showing that BROSR Dungeon Design principles are similar to OSR ideas on points like dungeons needing to have empty rooms, players needing choices, and stuff like that. Jeffro diverges sharply from the OSR, however, by claiming things like "dungeons need to be dynamic and feed into the Braunstein play" and "it's bad to be riddled with AIDS." Ok so I made that last one up. The OSR doesn't actually think it's GOOD that they're riddled with AIDS. They just are.
But getting back to Jeffro's actual thoughts, the criticism is useful for those of us still trying to give players the best low level dungeoneering experience. And, unlike an OSR blogger, Jeffro's criticism is something you can actually run with.
Now run on down below and read the SEEN posts for "This Week in UMBROS". Enjoy!
THIS WEEK IN UMBROS 08/02/26 TO 08/15/26
08/02/26
No Respect
Guy “Sarj” Kirashi was the closest thing there was to head spear runner. He was also in a foul mood. He and his boys had trekked across the whole world, hiked up mountains, frozen their butts off, been spooked by a ghost and pelted by giants and for what?
Apparently the reason for their trip to Hel's Reach was "need to know." The new, pale boss was all about "operational security," and "special operations." Thagshite. In Hooja's day, they'd just gone out, done things and then gotten loot. Simple, 1, 2 3, done. Crazy-schemin' Vandoro was a different story, and so the whole damn army was up at 9000 feet without a clue of why they were in the snow. At night. Glory of the tribe and all that, so Grundgru said.
Miss Kanya was more... candid. “We scratch that miserable vampiric prick’s back and he’ll keep scratching ours. Better a jumped up leech with delusions of grandeur than an Innes, or worse still a Dru.” Guy liked Kanya. She said things the way they were. She still didn't tell Guy why they were here.
08/03/26
The Caveman at the Gates
A strangely eloquent Caveman of ill repute has been loitering about the city gates of Tootchville lately, recounting the story of Chaz and the Fairwatch's battles against the inhabitants of the forest where the Caveman once lived. Apparently many harpies, bandits, nymphs and even a manticore have been killed over the course of the last week, just so the greedy grasping Chaz can build his outpost in Hex 13.13. But most interesting is the story of the bandit Cavemen who Chaz bribed to move north toward the Dawnspires. The Caveman claims that Chaz's Fairwatch have taken heavy casualties, but when questioned about his own tribe's casualties, he became angry and refused to speak further on the matter.
A Meeting Which Wasn't
"and I'm telling you that he wasn't there so there couldn't have been a meeting. Moron!"
"Moron is it? I heard from the man what empties the chamber pots and he was there an they was talkin' about takin' everybody's victuals and divvying them back out to them who ain't got none."
"And why would he do that? They both got plenty o' food and most everything else. Why would either one care? Moron"
08/04/2026
Strangers Outside Tootchville
A traveling Cleric reported seeing a band of humanoids establishing a crude campsite on the outskirts of Tootchville. He reported that their numbers were "decent to middling," but was unable to say more.
The Hel Delver's Guild is Founded
Traigon, Zar-Kaz, Kudar, Thedd Dread, and Senehem were all seen deep in conversation at a private table in one of Tootchville's taverns. The group met over several nights having various discussions, debates, and drafted multiple documents with quills and parchment paper. When the meeting was settled, the group had agreed to purchase a barn and its land from Tootch and form an official Hel Delver's guild to organize forays into the dungeon, secure expert hirelings, store and distribute treasure, and collect dues from members to get access to these services. The five men all signed a founding document and gave each other exceptionally manly handshakes to make their organization official.
A Shrine to the Home Stone
Zar-Kaz the paladin spent the previous week donating to various stone masons, wood workers, and other artisans around Tootchville, giving generous amounts of gold for comparatively mundane construction materials. He directed a few laborers faithful to the Home Stone to construct a modest way shrine while Zar-Kaz himself cut a carved off a small chunk of white stone in one stroke of his rune encrusted blade. He carefully chiseled down and polished the white stone into as well rounded of a sphere as he was able. He then gathered Thedd Dread, a handful of traveling clerics, and faithful lay people of he Home Stone to the finished shrine in the barn being renovated by the Hel Delvers. Placing his white stone sphere in the center of the shrine, he made the sign of the Stone and spoke aloud the following blessing:
"Blessed Home Stone, we praise you and give you glory. Be with us as we pray, and bless us in your love and protection. May this place be reserved for prayer. Listen to the praise and petitions of all who come here to pray, and be pleased with their worship. Send the Spirit of the Stone to guide them, and accept the praise of humble, contrite hearts. Home Stone, bless and consecrate this shrine in your name in the love and unity or your spirit, for ever and ever. Amen."
With this, Zar-Kaz makes the Sign of the Stone, draws his holy blade, and kneels in contemplative prayer until the assembled group departs
HEL DUNGEON CLOSED FOR REPAIRS?
A conversation can be overheard between two patrons of Tootchville’s finest quaffery.
“Yeh, what I be hearin’ be the old madman Tootch hisself don’t know what ta do about the way up to the big island above us.”
“Golems is what I heard, posted them up guarding the entrance with strict orders. Seems people were already flocking up there after they heard the news, Tootch wants to keep a tighter thumb on who comes and goes. Strange times when gods talk in UMBROS.”
08/05/26
A Bad Case of Throat Leeches
A local blacksmith is on bedrest this week after nearly dying to a bad case of throat leeches. His wife noted, "Sure damn lucky the forge was nearby or he'd have bit it for real this time. I told him once, I told him a thousand times not to buy foreign drinks picked out of dungeons!"
The blacksmith will make a full recovery, but is currently unable to identify the salesmen. This reporter, however, believes the faeries are involved. They are always involved.
Dateline Tootchville!
The newly minted Dungeon Delver’s Guild of UMBROS has returned from their inaugural foray into the Hel Dungeon. Their Druid, Reed, had this to say (as ever, we apologize).
“We wint tae te doogman’ra grit baeg prty. Did aye praeconinspt raicon wit Sammy, wit swimminly. Fand sim whlwwrs, twasn tie bad. Wit blinkt, gat ac’en muir wha stick tie in thur blwchd cai (editor’s note: we have absolutely no idea how to even transcribe this next segment. Moving along to the next semi-intelligible part.) ‘n ibsalately maullered ‘em wit’ tha’ sience on Frieank. Used aye praefacoonsipt vad’n blisted tae duir cliroffnts ‘finjes. Kilt tie’n’tire lat’o’thy chud whilps. T’rat pack e’en got suim. Nit tie mich a’er ‘at, jiss sime revinl’ Ents, got aye kipple wid aye fayere fayer.”
8/6/2026
Of Camps and Goats
Goatherding is an admired and respected profession. Which is of course why Ban Kaar was completely unable to recieve a hearing from any relevant authorities when he reported a camp of unknown size somewhere in the Dawnspires. The way he tells it, a secret meeting transpired there just days ago.
The Pusillanimous
“Dru went over the reports and sighed deeply. A not-insignificant amount of coin down the drain in a fruitless search. He inwardly mustered his resolve. There was more work to be done. Let the pusillanimous wallow in self pity.”
A What?
"Is it like a Thag?"
"Nawww, not really. Small enough to seat a single man and that's it."
"You like one of Hibobu's tigers, then?"
"Nawww, it eats grass, and straw, and doesn't really have paws."
"Like a triceratops, or allosaur?"
"But not big. And also has hair like a Thag."
"If you're gonna come in here and spin a yarn about the surface world, you need to do a better job than that!"
"Horses exist! I swear they're out there. And one day I'll prove it to you!"
Seven Graves
In the graveyard just outside Tootchville, Zar-Kaz the paladin assists a few volunteer's to dig seven graves for the fallen spearmen that recently joined the Hel Delvers into the dungeon. As the bodies are lowered, Zar-Kaz says a few words to commemorate the fallen to the small assembled crowd.
"Dear friends, today we gather to put these brave souls to rest and commemorate their sacrifices against the forces of darkness. Let me tell you of the skill of these fallen men! Their spear lines held strong against the shout of the howler monkey! Their cunning and guile overwhelmed a whole brood of eye-less abominations, leaving not a single one standing! And most courageous of all, they fought side by side with me against the risen corpses of fallen heroes, and stood and fought against the living dead when lesser men would have fled! While their bodies could not withstand the fury of chaos, let the Home Stone keep and preserve their souls as they depart to their eternal reward. We make this prayer in the Home Stone's name. Amen"
With that, Zar-Kaz makes the sign of the Stone, takes up a shovel, and fills the graves with fresh soil.
7/7/26
The Little Beastie
Rumors from around Tootchville speak of a “little beastie” running around, indiscriminately biting the ankles of the characters of UMBROS. Some say it’s a dog, some say a monster, some say a rabid Twitter use!
8/8/26
Into Hel's Vault
“By ar’ boggy gods, Dorhoffer, if I see you take one more puff a’ that, yer dino food! An’ Borgund, tie yer ferkin’ sandals you disgrace!” When Guy “Sarj” Hooji was upset, he liked to chew out the other spear runners for minor or possibly imaginary infractions. It helped keep him grounded. He usually backed the words up with a blow of his fierce right hook, but he couldn’t today.
That hand was busy moving rocks. Bloody vampires. Instead of just using the dinos to bash Hel’s Vault in, Vandoro had insisted they capture the vault intact. Or otherwise they’d “damage the contents,” or “provoke the goddess.” And so, Guy was down by the main wall, working at it with shovel and pick, at least when he wasn’t “motivating” the other tribesmen.
All for freedom, of course.
Guy brought the pick down once more, and was rewarded with a loud rumble. Swearing and dashing back, he barely cleared way in time when the rock wall collapsed.
He came to to find an arrow stuck into the rubble a foot from his head, and without thinking grabbed the pickaxe just in time to meet the charge of the oncoming skeleton. “Arms!” he shouted, as miners became spear runners of the Umbral Tribes once again. Guy met the creature’s guard, shoved it back and then caved its skull in with the pick. It fell, but by that time a zombie had replaced it, and he braced himself for the spear to the gut.
Instead, steel flashed in front of him, and the dread presence of a vampire passed in front of Guy. Vandoro strode into the fray, trident jabbing in and out of the melee with unnatural ease, and in a moment it was over. A pile of bones and rotting flesh was all that remained of the tunnel guard. Beyond the pile he saw the end of the tunnel, alight with a sinister pale glow.
The inside of Hel’s Vault.
The tunnel’s warm breeze washed over Guy and he instantly felt more at home. If he could just get himself some shinies this would all be worth it.
Another Camp Outside Tootchville
A traveling Cleric reported seeing a band of humanoids establishing a crude campsite on the outskirts of Tootchville. He reported that their numbers were "decent to middling," but was unable to say more.
Elves Versus Triceratops
Passersby report a little tussle on the road into Tootchville today: apparently the merry elven band that's been frolicking around Tootchville ran afoul of a Triceratops. Several witnesses noted that the band seems slightly smaller, but they all vanished soon after commenting so its probably not true.
08/09/26
Big Game Hunter
Karl Moffett claims that he's hunted everything from the fierce allosaurus, to a mythical surface creature he refers to as a "predreadnought." Now, he's apparently set his sights on the new eagles residing at Goldhold. "I'll see those boffins on my mantle 'fore too long. God save the king and all that," he says, cleaning a weapon unidentifiable by the denizens of Tootchville.
A Hunt in the Woods
Floydio (the Marshall of Chaz's Host), Druggo (a disreputable Halfling associated with Chaz), some "glamorous" female elves, and a small band of rough-looking woodsmen set out from Tootchville, claiming to be going on a hunt in the woods. They never returned to town, but a commotion in the purple hills involving some nasty Pterodactyls was reported not long after, by a passing herdsman
Monke Man no like sneaky elves.
"Monke man no like sneaky elves."
"You've made that clear, good chap. Why are you so stuck on this topic?"
"Sneaky elves meeting up and cheering and talking too loud near Monke Man favorite part of pine-forest."
"How are they sneaky if they're cheering?"
"Drink-man stay quite and pour Monke Man more drink!"
"As you say, good fellow"
08/10/2026
HIBOBU DEPARTS FIRSTHAVEN — DESTINATION UNKNOWN
FIRSTHAVEN ENQUIRER
August 10, 2026
Citizens awoke this morning to the familiar sound of thags trumpeting as Merchant Guild Master Hibobu once again put his caravan upon the road.
The column, approximately the same size as that which entered Firsthaven only days ago, included several heavily laden wagons, pack thags, guards, and a number of the enormous battle thags for which the Merchant Guild Master has become well known. Joining the company was Captain Keldir, recently returned to Firsthaven aboard his longship, the Wave Tamer.
When questioned as to his destination, Hibobu was, as usual, economical with information.
“Business,” he replied.
Pressed as to whether the caravan was bound north toward Tootchville, the Twilight Pines, or the Glarewood, Hibobu reportedly smiled and answered:
“Perhaps.”
When asked if he intended to return to Firsthaven, the Merchant Guild Master was somewhat more forthcoming.
“Firsthaven is my home,” he said. “A merchant does not abandon his customers.”
There is considerable speculation as to the purpose of the expedition.
Some sources suggest Hibobu intends to replenish his stock of trade goods. Others believe he may be seeking mercenaries or additional draft animals. There are even those who claim that the merchant has received intelligence concerning the movements of the dragon Ferigno and is once again engaged in matters best left to more foolhardy men.
The Enquirer can confirm none of these rumors.
What can be confirmed is that several wagons were loaded with empty barrels, sacks, crates and other containers before departure. Their intended use remains unknown.
The caravan proceeded north from the city at mid-morning.
The caravan's actual destination remains known only to the Merchant Guild Master himself. The Enquirer will endeavor to discover the truth.
In the meantime, Firsthaven's citizens may rest assured that Hibobu's departure does not appear to be permanent.
At least, he says it isn't.
Riders in the Skies
Rumors of Chaz's Hippogriff riders flying overhead spread all through the Twilight Pines and The Dawnspires today. The rumors seem to agree that they were looking for something, but no one agrees on exactly what they were looking for or if they found it
Reavers in Firsthaven
A group of reavers are seen carousing around Firsthaven at nights and helping around the city during the day. When asked about their business, they simply shrug and grunt and go about their work.
8/11/26
Kanya Hooji Heads Home
Bayou Kirashi recounts that he was peddling his wares up at Hel's Reach the other day when a fine young woman with only slightly demonic features asked him for a drink.
"Whas the 'casion?" He asked.
"I'm not sitting on this stupid mountaintop a minute longer while bloody Vandoro plays adventurer, conquerer and king. Events have developed back home and its a long, miserable hike. So yeah, I need a drink."
The Spearmen Need a Leader
A gruff figure barks orders at a bar tender for more drinks. “These men are grieving here! Their brothers in arms cut down by those eyeless devils. Give us another round! And for anyone who signs on to fight with me as many rounds as they can drink!” He turns to the man he was speaking with. “So anyways it’ll be 10 times what I’m paying these idiots, and a big bonus on top of that. They’re just Idiots. I sent em to fight for me and half of em got themselves killed. I need someone like you to lead them.”
08/12/26
Intrepid Adventurers Needed in Firsthaven!
(In Firsthaven) Notice:
Intrepid Adventurers Needed in Firsthaven!
Tasks unconventional inspires in us the need for adventurers. Danger and excitement (with reasonable chance of success!) Financial sponsorship upfront, with rewards guaranteed upon completion. “Keep what you kill” policy on “acquisitions” made in media res.
Inquire at Firsthaven palace. Chaotic and evil people need not apply.
Sea Food Back on the Menu
The docks of Firsthaven woke this morning to a flurry of commotion, the sounds of construction, and the splashing of water. Mermen from Coralynthia dove in and out of the waves, repairing damaged piers and building fisheries off the coast. By the afternoon, the majority of the construction was complete, just in time for another group of mermen to arrive, shepherding scores of fish and other sea life into the newly built bay. One of the mermen came out of the water and spoke to the gathered sailors.
“Give them a bit to settle in, and treat them kindly. They know their sacrifice will save your kingdom from starvation, all they ask in return is your care, that you do not overfish, and that you feed them well. All we ask in return is that you remember and honor the sacrifice of Our Martyred Lady, Coralynth, and you carry her sacred love and music in your hearts.”
The night ended with a feast, borne from the sea and cooked upon land with fine spices from far off lands provided by Hibobu’s company, while enchanting merman flutes and clarinets played a song they called “concerto in A minor.”
Where are the Heldelvers?
"Aren't they usually back by now?" Henry's shift at the newly founded Dungeon Delver's Guild of Umbros (trademark pending) was about over. He let out a loud yawn and looked back at the cleaned out barn, leftover Thag musk still hanged in the air. It wasn't much, but it was honest work with advancement opportunities; and in this economy, beggars couldn't be choosers.
"You seen the boys yet? Randy and I were supposed to grab drinks!" His relief finally arrived.
"Nothin'."
"Weird, aren't they usually back by now looking for some new guy to drag into that pit or to offload some new shiny thing?"
"-or offloading leeches to a blacksmith?"
"Right right. Anyway, let me know if you see Randy. I'll see you next shift, get some rest."
8/13/26
A Battered Party Returns
Somewhere in the mountains a battered looking party limped into a fortified camp. Roving herdsman report a flurry of activity in response to whatever transpired. Some mention of a saber tooth tiger as well.
Social Happenings around the Town with Ginny the Gossip
Firsthaven Enquirer:
After a long absence from the social scene, Hidalga's four girls are once again gracing watering holes and dance halls with their special brand of fun. The have been spotted recently making the rounds and brightening up even the dingiest of pubs and taverns. The recent troubles might have put a damper on the city's nightlife but it's hard to be dour when "The Girls" come around. Don't you just love 'em to pieces?
8/14/2026
HIBOBU COMES TO TOOTCHVILLE
Tootchville awoke today to discover that Hibobu had arrived.
Not merely Hibobu, mind you, but Hibobu and the Company—a long and imposing caravan that has established its customary camp outside the walls. Tents sprang up, thags were picketed, wagons were drawn into defensive lines, and the Company’s ferocious saber-toothed tigers and their riders immediately began prowling the perimeter.
This is apparently what passes for a quiet business trip among Hibobu's associates.
Astute observers also noted something unusual. This time the Company included a considerable number of sea-going men. They remained in the camp but seemed remarkably eager to visit the city. Whether they are merchants, sailors, adventurers, or simply men who have been deprived of decent ale for too long remains unclear.
Hibobu himself was soon seen in the market square, where he greeted his female associate and fellow merchant, Hidalga. The two exchanged a few words. Then Hibobu did what Hibobu does best when he has something to sell—or, in this case, something to buy.
He climbed the steps of the central fountain.
“Greetings, Tootchvillians! You know me. We have traded before, and I defy any man here to say that Hibobu has ever bargained him ill!”
There were nods. There were murmurs. One old merchant was heard to say, “Well...”
Hibobu continued before the man could elaborate.
“I have come today with a request. Your neighbors in Firsthaven are hard pressed after the recent battles. Their stores are much depleted or destroyed altogether. I come on their behalf.”
At this, the market grew noticeably quieter.
“I have little to trade,” Hibobu admitted, “but I have gold Ronins, and I will pay a fair price for as much grain, salted muskox, and salt as you can sell me.”
He paused.
“I will only stop buying when my wagons are full... or you stop offering.”
That produced rather more interest.
“My merchants and buyers will open their wagons and barrels tomorrow morning. There is gold to be made, friends. But more importantly ...”
Here Hibobu raised one purple-robed arm toward the gathering crowd.
“... there are lives to be saved.”
The Guild Master then descended from the fountain, greeted several merchant acquaintances, and departed for his camp in the company of the lovely Hidalga.
No doubt they had much to discuss.
Meanwhile, throughout Tootchville, merchants were already calculating how much grain they could spare, how much salt they could find, and precisely what a desperate city might be willing to pay for salted muskox.
For tomorrow morning, Hibobu is buying.
And Hibobu has brought gold.
